There are times when I sit to write and the words just fly. They are typed before any conscious thought has taken place. In a way it is similar to free writing. Usually on those occasions there is hardly need to edit, and I am often surprised by what I’ve written.
Then there are days like today.
Today I have tried to write. Tried in vain to write, I should say. I part wrote, a humorous piece, a serious piece, a personal piece. All of which I deleted.
For today I am caught up in a spin of thoughts, all centering around loss. It is eleven months this week since young Ben died, and as I go to school I still miss seeing him en route. Then there is Daniel. Yesterday as I stood in his house, seeing him smiling out from so many photographs I felt his loss anew.
This Friday night we are gathering for a very special football match. It is the final of an under twelve league. This year it has a new trophy, The Danny Crowley cup. A memorial trophy for young Daniel. 
As I think about it, and the presentation that will follow, I feel my temper rising. I think of the many words I would really like to write, most of them unprintable. The words I can write I don’t want to. Words such as ‘Memorial’ and ‘Graveyard’, stick in my throat, as do the words, ‘Memories’,’Died’,and ‘Gone’.
I am so angry today. So very angry.
So today I cannot write. I have tried and I have failed. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe the fact that I have written this post, about what I cannot write about, will in fact free me once more. Or maybe I will just have to wait a few days, and take the time to be angry and to be sad.
I’ll just have to wait and see.
My apologies to those of you who read this far, hoping for something better. I did too, but it was not to be.
Maybe tomorrow?
photo credit: photosteve101 via photopin cc
photo credit: Jonno Witts via photopin cc
My thoughts on a page. 
No Tic, I’m glad you wrote this. Even though you don’t think it’s much, you’ve let us see again that you’re human just like the rest of us. 😉
Definitely human Olivia. Thank you. Just one of those days, or couple of days!
doesn’t have to be tomorrow
the day after will do
or the day after that
just write when you feel like doing so – and not to a schedule you think your readers are expecting of you
Thanks Duncan. Wise words. Sometimes I do think I should post something, but if it’s not from my heart I find it hard to write, and at the moment I don’t want to be writing misery.
This too will pass as they say, and I’ll be full of craic again. 🙂
PS enjoying dipping into the Chanel 4 programme ‘The great British Break up’.
Maybe tomorrow. So often my mantra.
Yes, mine is ‘this too will pass’. Thank you. I look forward to ‘tomorrow’.
😦 Do what you can when you can.
Thanks Jackie. The roller coaster of Life.
Tric, today you honored Ben and Daniel; this was exactly what you were supposed to write.
Thanks Michele. That is a lovely way of thinking about it. Thanks a million.
You took time, you wrote, and that’s enough. You are appreciated.
Thank you so much. That is a very kind comment. I am okay really just some days it hits and life can seem so unfair.
I know what you mean. Good to hear you’re okay.
But you did write, and very emotionally, even if it was with restraint. I read it with compassion with understanding.
Thanks Colleen. You are very kind. You have had a rotten year, I’m sure you know the sort of day I’m talking about.
I do, but it’s because of the emotion in your words. Some days…..it all just walks right in your house, sits it’s self down every where and stares at you.
Sometimes it’s okay to just sit and stare back.
hugs…
Aw thanks. Much appreciated.
when you are ready, when you are ready.
Yes Beth, hopefully tomorrow is a different day.
Tric, surely blogging is about the full gamut of emotions.
Sadness, anger and misery are part of that range and have just as much of a place here as happy, happy and craic. Life isn’t skewed that way contrary to what social media upbeatism would try to have us believe.
Hope this darkness passes soon but feel free to share. It’s not contagious!
Thanks you are right it isn’t good to only post ‘ the best of’.
I think once tomorrow night is over things might brighten up once more. It is just the thought of watching a gang of twelve year old boys playing in his team colours, when you know that was the age he was when he played for the last time. It’s hard not to relive it and to miss him even more. I have no words only ‘it’s pox’.
Thank you for your kindness. Much appreciated.
Grief has to be the most unpredictable thing in terms of how and when it manifests itself.
It all goes to reveal how much Daniel meant and continues to mean to you. Hugs, j.
Thanks you are so right. Grief can hit a stomach punch with no warning, living us winded.
Yes Dan did deeply affect me, and as a mom watching my friend be a mom of four minus one continues to hurt every day.
I think this is perfect. I get your sense of anger from this and of loss. Just give it a few days and the words will flow once more….. xx
Thanks you are right. Once tomorrow night is over I think it will pass.
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