There are times when I sit to write and the words just fly. They are typed before any conscious thought has taken place. In a way it is similar to free writing. Usually on those occasions there is hardly need to edit, and I am often surprised by what I’ve written.
Then there are days like today.
Today I have tried to write. Tried in vain to write, I should say. I part wrote, a humorous piece, a serious piece, a personal piece. All of which I deleted.
For today I am caught up in a spin of thoughts, all centering around loss. It is eleven months this week since young Ben died, and as I go to school I still miss seeing him en route. Then there is Daniel. Yesterday as I stood in his house, seeing him smiling out from so many photographs I felt his loss anew.
This Friday night we are gathering for a very special football match. It is the final of an under twelve league. This year it has a new trophy, The Danny Crowley cup. A memorial trophy for young Daniel.
As I think about it, and the presentation that will follow, I feel my temper rising. I think of the many words I would really like to write, most of them unprintable. The words I can write I don’t want to. Words such as ‘Memorial’ and ‘Graveyard’, stick in my throat, as do the words, ‘Memories’,’Died’,and ‘Gone’.
I am so angry today. So very angry.
So today I cannot write. I have tried and I have failed. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe the fact that I have written this post, about what I cannot write about, will in fact free me once more. Or maybe I will just have to wait a few days, and take the time to be angry and to be sad.
I’ll just have to wait and see.
My apologies to those of you who read this far, hoping for something better. I did too, but it was not to be.