Am I back? Will I finish this post?
Or will it be trashed like every post I’ve written since the young warrior died?
What will this post be about?
The title, whatever it is will be decided when I finish… if I finish.
As I begin to type, I remember a regular comment made about my writing,
people say it is honest.
This always surprises me as I cannot imagine writing any other way?
Is there another way to write a personal blog?
However today at last, I think I know what they mean.
It is the very reason why I have been unable to write.
I cannot write a lie, but I can live it.
Inside I hold so much.
I hold tears, sadness, grief, fear, anger, and fury.
Outside I smile to show my family I’m okay.
I gloss over my feelings when asked, because I do not wish to visit them.
I shop for Christmas, because life goes on.
I go to work, because I must.
But it is all lies.
Inside I feel overwhelmed with the amount of tragedy which I have witnessed this year.
In a few minutes my eldest daughter will leave the house.
She is off to attend the one year anniversary of her friends sudden death.
A young incredibly beautiful nineteen year old,
whose heart stopped suddenly at work,
moments before my daughter found her.
That was the first of the three deaths of young people which have affected my family this year.
A nineteen year old with her future just beginning,
A six year old who hadn’t even begun to live,
and a thirteen year old who never got the chance to blossom into all he was showing he could be.
All this tragedy is so at odds with the current season.
It is Christmas.
Such a wonderful time of the year.
A time I always relish.
There is still a Santa in our house, how lucky am I?
Our children love this time of year,
the decorations, the gifts, the movies and relaxation.
The smell of the Christmas tree,
and the noise of the Christmas songs blaring.
The laughter, teasing, fighting, partying, eating and drinking.
This is what I want to have in my life.
The fun and chaos that is Christmas.
Not the sadness, grief and pain I feel.
Not the anger at what has happened,
or the fear of what the future may bring.
I want Christmas.
But in order to have Christmas I must lie.
I must ignore how I feel, and pretend all is good in my world.
Every time I fail to do so, and allow the tears to fall,
I must quickly pick up that very large, heavy lid,
and put it on top of all those feelings,
and secure it well.
Then I can go on.
I can have Christmas.
Maybe now you can understand why I am finding it hard to write.
When I write I speak from the heart.
However at the moment when my heart speaks,
it says all I do not want to hear.
So today I will once again silence it.
I will stop typing.
In a short while I will gather my gang together,
we will go out and spend hours getting the perfect Christmas tree,
and I will have Christmas.
Because I know how lucky I am.
There are no guarantees in life.
Despite my sadness I refuse to miss out on Christmas.
I will keep the lid firmly in place.
I will look for the fun and joy that does surround me,
and despite everything and perhaps because of everything,
my family and I will have a great Christmas.
I hope you do too.
photo credit: mrsdkrebs via photopin cc
photo credit: John-Morgan via photopin cc
My thoughts on a page. 
I don’t think you are lying at all, your focus on the positive, pasting on a smile are just the way your broken heart begins to repair itself. Sometimes you have to WILL it back to “normal” by choosing happiness whether or not that’s what you are feeling. The choices will eventually repair the feelings. Try not to hold the lid so firmly in place as the tears help the heart heal too. Wishing you peace this season.
Such wise words. I agree with so much of what you say. Today I chose to give my gang Christmas, so regardless of my mood the songs were blaring and the decorations went up.
Thanks so much. I hope you too have a great Xmas.
It must be a blessing, in some way, that when our hearts are breaking we can still laugh at something funny. When so much around us is sad, we can still see the joys that exist. Is it our coping? Is it our internal tools to survive? I remember when my dad died, those days and weeks with my siblings going through the funeral planning, the actual funeral and burial….there was so much laughter. Certainly the laughter was coming out of our tear streaked faces and snot running noses. It has been a rough rough year for you all. I’m glad you will be celebrating Christmas with those you love. It will feel good to be with them all. Even with the sad moments that will surely share your holiday.
It is indeed a great release to laugh in the face of sadness. Even at its most tragic we have shared much laughter over the past weeks. However sometimes the laughter is a high which is followed by a low!
Our children have only a few Xmases I will ensure they don’t miss one regardless of how I feel.
Are you all decked out yourself, you too have had such recent tragedy?
You are SO thoughtful. We are decked out, in some fashion. Not as much as last year. But it worked out this year that all get togethers will be somewhere else. No one will actually “be” here for the celebrating. So our house is filling up with things that we will take to others.
I wish for comfort for all of these families this year. That there is peace in their hearts, along with the sadness. What a gift we give those who left before us, to love them so much we grieve them.
Yes to love enough to grieve is a great thing. I too wish that my friend and family can find some form of peace eventually. Wise words as always. x
‘I gloss over my feelings when asked’
The strong must protect the weak, tric, and often that means the strong are denied the luxury of tears and must bottle up their own emotions in order to support others
Don’t bottle up your feeling too much, though – find a quiet time and a quiet place to be alone or with your man and let your tears fall
(((((((((( HUG ))))))))))
You wise old owl! It is indeed having those moments of peace and sometimes tears with” my man” that allow me to get on and do all that needs to be done.
We had a great day today putting up the decorations and buying the tree.
It is my friends sorrow which hurts so much. When you say strong, you describe her. What a mom!
Don’t put a lid on your feelings, Tric – you won’t be able to deal with them if you pretend that they’re not there. You don’t have to be the strong one all the time – let your family look after you too. Hang on in there. Big bear hugs xoxo
Thanks a million. I am okay honestly. I do find time for tears when I am alone. It is just that this time of year there is so little room for grief.
I am so lucky my kids are all well and happy and with me for Christmas. I have a lot to be happy about.
Hugs are greatly appreciated. x
As mummy, it’s amazing how strong you need to be, but if you deny your feeling for a long time they’ll always find a way of coming out. I had an incredibly stressful year coming up to my wedding, and the night before my wedding I cried and cried.. I was ecstatic to be getting married, but the stress of the previous year finally came out like an avalanche.. I had been so busy I never had time to recognise it was all getting to me. I guess what I’m saying is feel your feelings. But I think your blog provides a nice safe venue for your self-expression. Take care of yourself x
Thanks Olivia. You are right better out than in! I do have tears which overflow sometimes at an inopportune moment or when I am alone, but yes I am a mom and life really is all about my children.
Christmas will happen. It was not my little boy who died and I am very aware that my grief is so insignificant compared to my friends.
I hope your getting all set for a very busy Christmas in your house.
Yes we’re nearly ready. My husband took a paycut (self-inflicted!) along with the rest of the staff, so we are having a lean Christmas this year. But it’s fine, we have everything we need. I was really hoping I’d get some work writing for magazines, but editors either don’t reply or want everything for free.
It’s a lean Christmas here too with two gone to college in Limerick. My new years resolution is to pluck up the courage to look to have some writing published!
Go for it Tric! It’ll happen. I know it will. The worst that can happen, is you don’t get a response. That happens everyone. It’s just a matter of time. Send a few emails off. One editor got back to me after two whole months. I’d say you have dozens of ideas.
Thanks for the encouragement. You’r right I just have to go for it.
*hugs* I understand wanting Christmas even in the midst or aftermath of tragedy. It’s a time for healing when celebrated with open and good hearts like yours. Merry Christmas, Tric– I hope it brings you all the peace and happiness you deserve. 🙂
Thanks Rara. It is a season of high emotion but I hope my children enjoy it. I love to be happy but I think that will have to wait.
Merry Christmas to you too. I hope you are back to full health, I am miles behind in my reading. x
As you said so eloquently on my blog a while ago Tric, sometimes it is experiencing deep sadness that makes us appreciate the happiness. 3 young deaths in a year is a lot of tragedy as well as shock. I’m glad to see you are able to wipe away the tears for a while and prepare for Xmas and it sounds to me like you know to give in to a good cry at times too. Wishing you, your family and your close friends a peaceful Christmas xx
Thanks so much Lorna. I will survive! I am also going to be buying your book but must get around to changing my paypal account details, am really looking forward to getting it.
Congratulations by the way with it’s success. You are as i’ve said before, an inspiration.
hugs to you who holds it together to make others happy while you are so sad. my wish for you is that all of your wishes come true, as my little friend told me once. your joy will return once more, it is a matter of time and distance. while you will always feel a loss and hold a place in your heart for those who you know longer see, you will go on to live a happy life, knowing just how lucky you and your loved ones are. to have known them, and had them in your lives, and to have each other.
Thanks so much Beth. It is all so raw at the moment and hard to believe. However sad as I am it is knowing the pain my friend must face which is so very hard. It’s all so unreal still.
yes, and there is no way around that. and i am so sorry.
I am learning I can feel more than one thing at once…sadness and happiness.. both. There is room for both. Much love to you.
Laurie
Thanks Laurie.
Sending my love always.. to one of my oldest blogging friends…not that you are old..that didn’t come out quite right. 🙂 L
Haha I know what you mean. Thanks Laurie, my blog buddy! 🙂
🙂 I just couldn’t get thst out right.
I appreciate you being thete when I was just starting out.
♡
I resonate so much with what you’re feeling right now! Know that I’m thinking of you…
I do Tia and vice verse. We will get through. I am so conscious of the pain my friend is in, my sadness is pathetic next to what she must feel.