Am I back? Will I finish this post?
Or will it be trashed like every post I’ve written since the young warrior died?
What will this post be about?
The title, whatever it is will be decided when I finish… if I finish.
As I begin to type, I remember a regular comment made about my writing,
people say it is honest.
This always surprises me as I cannot imagine writing any other way?
Is there another way to write a personal blog?
However today at last, I think I know what they mean.
It is the very reason why I have been unable to write.
I cannot write a lie, but I can live it.
Inside I hold so much.
I hold tears, sadness, grief, fear, anger, and fury.
Outside I smile to show my family I’m okay.
I gloss over my feelings when asked, because I do not wish to visit them.
I shop for Christmas, because life goes on.
I go to work, because I must.
But it is all lies.
Inside I feel overwhelmed with the amount of tragedy which I have witnessed this year.
In a few minutes my eldest daughter will leave the house.
She is off to attend the one year anniversary of her friends sudden death.
A young incredibly beautiful nineteen year old,
whose heart stopped suddenly at work,
moments before my daughter found her.
That was the first of the three deaths of young people which have affected my family this year.
A nineteen year old with her future just beginning,
A six year old who hadn’t even begun to live,
and a thirteen year old who never got the chance to blossom into all he was showing he could be.
All this tragedy is so at odds with the current season.
It is Christmas.
Such a wonderful time of the year.
A time I always relish.
There is still a Santa in our house, how lucky am I?
Our children love this time of year,
the decorations, the gifts, the movies and relaxation.
The smell of the Christmas tree,
and the noise of the Christmas songs blaring.
The laughter, teasing, fighting, partying, eating and drinking.
This is what I want to have in my life.
The fun and chaos that is Christmas.
Not the sadness, grief and pain I feel.
Not the anger at what has happened,
or the fear of what the future may bring.
I want Christmas.
But in order to have Christmas I must lie.
I must ignore how I feel, and pretend all is good in my world.
Every time I fail to do so, and allow the tears to fall,
I must quickly pick up that very large, heavy lid,
and put it on top of all those feelings,
and secure it well.
Then I can go on.
I can have Christmas.
Maybe now you can understand why I am finding it hard to write.
When I write I speak from the heart.
However at the moment when my heart speaks,
it says all I do not want to hear.
So today I will once again silence it.
I will stop typing.
In a short while I will gather my gang together,
we will go out and spend hours getting the perfect Christmas tree,
and I will have Christmas.
Because I know how lucky I am.
There are no guarantees in life.
Despite my sadness I refuse to miss out on Christmas.
I will keep the lid firmly in place.
I will look for the fun and joy that does surround me,
and despite everything and perhaps because of everything,
my family and I will have a great Christmas.
I hope you do too.