Do you know the important things in life? Do you find yourself stressing about the everyday? Do you go to bed with regrets?
Since young Daniel died I am changed forever. However that is not all bad. When we lose someone close to us we grieve, but sad as it is, it can actually have a positive outcome on our lives.
Over twenty five years ago I lost my Dad. It crushed me for many years and if I am honest I still miss him most days. He didn’t live to walk me up the aisle, or to welcome my four children into the world. I have missed a lifetime of hugs and his gentle counsel.
However his death has brought a lot of positives into my life.
My Dad died in his early fifties of Motor Neurone disease. I watched him slowly lose his ability to walk, move and talk. I watched him die a difficult death. However, hand in hand with his dying, I watched him live. Even in the depths of his illness, as I have written of so often, he continued to contribute enormously to my life. He taught me lessons every day, and when we lost him I learned the ultimate lesson, ‘Never, ever take life for granted. Your future is not guaranteed. Live every day’.
As the years have passed I have very much tried to remember this. When I had young, demanding, non sleeping children I tried to remember how lucky I was to have my children and my health. In the dark days after my child abuse case went public, very very public, I dug deep, feeling my dad close to me, and I got through it. I have never believed that a long life was my right, and have lived most days happy in the knowledge that if this were to be my last day I have hugely enjoyed it.
Smug in my thinking I had life sussed, I was rocked to my core when Daniel got leukemia. This was not something I had ever imagined, and even though it was not my child, it was my great friends child. Time ticked by during his treatment, with so many ups and downs, that we felt we were at sea, in a storm with no firm footing. Then out of the blue another friends child, young Ben aged 6, became ill and within two weeks, despite every sort of intervention, his family had to say a desperately sad goodbye. Three weeks later we welcomed Daniel home for two special days, before he too moved on to a new adventure.
Since then the life I thought I had sorted, the life I thought I had prioritised correctly, has changed enormously. I listen to friends speak of their stresses and I think, ‘if that’s your biggest worry aren’t you lucky’. I see my children stress about exams, homework and where life will send them, and I think ‘chill out, as long as you’re happy’. I see people fall out and I think, ‘Life is too short’.
My children are beginning to feel the side effects of my new thinking, and they can’t quite ‘get’ it. Last Thursday night my eldest returned unexpectedly from college and asked, tongue in cheek, could she take my youngest, aged 12, out of school early the next day, to go to the cinema to watch ‘the nativity 3’. Without hesitation I agreed. My third child, aged 17, heard about the arrangement and was not one bit pleased. As she began to let me know how unfair that was, I announced, much to her surprise, that she too could skip the afternoon to join them.
And so it was that three sisters headed off a few weeks before Christmas, to enjoy an afternoon together. I lied in the notes I sent to the school, and I felt not one jot of guilt. For since Daniel died I have begun to realise exactly what it is that is important in life. Would my girls have remembered all they learned that afternoon in school, or will they always remember, leaving school early and driving off together for an afternoon at the cinema?
Yes, losing my Dad, and missing young Daniel have changed me forever. But it is not all for the worse!
photo credit: deeplifequotes via photopin cc
photo credit: deeplifequotes via photopin cc
My thoughts on a page. 
Lovely. I needed to read something like this right now. 🙂
I can imagine I too will need to re read it sometimes too. 🙂
Beautiful heartfelt post!
Thanks Aidan. It was interesting to think about it and to actually write it down.
Oh, I am so ‘with’ you and what is “important” in life!! Since my children were diagnosed very young with chronic conditions we took them out of school nearly every year the week before Thanksgiving for a trip to Disney World in order to avoid the crowds. I never once felt guilty! Memories of joy that have lasted ever since with not a single regret! 🙂 A terrific post, well written and truly meaningful. Thank you.
When life deals you those cards I can well imagine you quickly learn what matters.
I hope your children are doing well. What wonderful memories they must have of your trip each year, and how timely to be doing it close to thanksgiving. That says it all really. Being thankful every day.
Yes, Tric, seems like we’ve both learned a “lesson.” Bless you!
Nice one, tric. A top memory in the making.
I’m not sure what they will remember most, the shock of being allowed out of school early, or the trip away together. 🙂
Wonderful tric. From every darkness, comes a bit of light.
That is so true beth. We need to learn the lessons we are being taught in life, about life. As well you know.
Good for you for not being a royal stick in the mud about school. Your dad would probably be proud of this new Tric.
Thanks Don. I’ve been meaning to check up on you. With all that’s going on in Ferguson you surely must appreciate every day you get home safely. How are you. Is it pox?
Thanks for mentioning my Dad, you are right, he would have very much approved of this new Tric.
I heard a great comedienne on radio the other day. He was remarking on seeing a child get an award for full attendance at school. He despaired saying, as a country what sort of a message is this giving to our children, and that, in his opinion, there should be a day in every young fellas life when his mother opens the front door and sends him out, for the crows to mind him! 🙂
Thanks for the reminder that every day is a new opportunity to make new memories.
That really is it in a nutshell April. Thank you.
Remembering to live…..it only comes back in small snippets for some. I know so many struggling right now. This is such a huge message. Thank you.
Yes Colleen I think this is more relevant to those who are not the main grievers, but close, and to those who are looking on.
Grieving is a long and lonely road. You had a lot of losses this year, thinking of you and those close to you who have lost loved ones. x
Thank you Tric. It is long and lonely, there’s no way to shorten that path, none at all.
Oh what a beautifully written blog , I have tears in my eyes for the losses of Daniel , Ben and your dear Dad but you have through this sadness alerted me to all the possibilities each day gives us to cherish life and I rejoiced with you also as you watched your 3 girls go off to the cinema and wish you and your loved ones many many more days like the day they all snook off to the cinema magic days.
Thank you so much. Life thankfully has many highs which we sometimes fail to see. For now at least my eyes have been opened, and I’m glad my post had an effect on you too.
Life is all about living!
Just love this! You are so right. I bet your girls had the best time 🙂
Yes they did, and a trip to Mc Donalds before coming home helped too.
I am crying in my coffee over here. No, there are no surging hormones or anything, just hard a hard couple of weeks and I needed to hear this.
All the little stuff is just bullshit. I am lucky to have all my tiny people with me. So lucky.
Ah didn’t mean to make you cry, just inspire you! Tiny people and real life can try us to the limit, don’t be too hard on yourself, maybe just once in a while take a moment and think ‘phew I do really love them’.
I am with you 100%. This past week is the last week of school for the year for the Teen. It is about cleaning classrooms and not much else. So when the grandchildren came to stay for a few days I had no hesitation in telling the school that my daughter wasn’t well. Yes I lied. I feel a little guilt. But the memories the kids all made together over the past few days have been wonderful. I even let the Teen use my camera and hundreds of photos of laughing, jumping and running children later I have not one regret.