We bloggers share every time we write. We share our thoughts, advice and experiences. No matter what it is we write about, the moment we press ‘publish’ we agree to share. Why?
Personally I share for various reasons. For a long time I wrote to offload. To make sense of life as it happened. During Daniels illness I wrote in despair, I shared my fears and dumped my anger into the blogosphere. So many of you read and came back with comments of comfort, encouragement and understanding. In this instance I shared for my own ends. It was I who hugely benefited from it.
Last week a blogger, called Harsh Reality reblogged a post I wrote in April called ‘how do I get more followers on my blog?’. This was a post I wrote last year for new bloggers. When I posted it I did so to help others. It took a while but last week a large number found it and hopefully benefited from it. Definitely a case of caring is sharing.
However the other day I wrote another post and pressed publish. It was the hardest post ever for me to share. It was called ‘To the one who stole my childhood’. Why did I share it? For two reasons, one was to prove to myself that he no longer had any hold on my life, but the other reason was there also, the hope that someone might read it who needed to. Someone who might read the comments where Chatter master wrote ‘you are stronger than you know’, and would begin to realise they were. Someone who might begin to believe there is hope, they can survive and more importantly they can one day experience happiness.
Having posted it I wondered how I would feel the next day? I woke up and held my breath, lying in bed refusing to look at my phone. Eventually I bit the bullet and was met with a sea of comments, kind and encouraging comments. So many had taken the time to write. I pushed back tears, as I’d shed enough of them over the years. I got up and felt tall. I have felt strong ever since.
Until today.
This evening I was watching the news. A lady named Fiona Doyle came on. Her father had been found guilty two years ago of the most appalling abuse against her. His sentence was twelve years with nine suspended due to his age and infirmity. She was devastated. She appeared on television, radio and in the papers and in the end the sentence was challenged as being ‘unduly lenient’. Today she got her justice. Her seventy four year old father was sentenced to nine years in jail.
As I watched her beaming on the steps of the courthouse surrounded by her family, I thought to myself, ‘now that is going public’. Then I heard her speak, “I hope this gives courage to all those out there”. I have been thinking about what she said since.
I did write that letter, and I did press publish, but only to a selective audience. I did not share on facebook and it has bugged me ever since. Why not? Am I afraid? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Or all three?
I don’t have the answer, but I am worried it is number three, ‘Ashamed’. And all I can say is ‘Feck’. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, believe me, but whenever I think of friends I know reading that letter I think that is what I feel. It looks like I’ve a bit more work to do.
As I ponder the truth, I salute Fiona Doyle. Someone who has made a difference, to me and many many more around the country. Someone who wasn’t ashamed.
My thoughts on a page. 
I can tell you my thoughts on this. I came over here for a sense of anonymity. I am not one of those people who post their whole lives on FB. There were things I wanted to say, that I didn’t want everyone who knew me from birth to now…plus half of their friends to know. I am not ready for that, nor do I think I ever will be. Writing one here, you can still get support your need, you can still get your thoughts down without having to try and explain yourself to everyone that you know. It is therapeutic. I can write things, I would never write over there. A journal was just not cutting it….I needed an audience, of sorts, as limited of one that may be. You may feel differently. You may still feel you haven’t shared enough. Personally, I think you have touched a lot of lives….people who are here for reasons such as yours. People who want to hear your story. Not everyone on FB wants that, and some will judge. I didn’t want that. That;s just my two cents regarding that particular social media…for what it’s worth…lol
Thanks a million for your comment. I do think the set up of FB has helped put me off sharing. The fact that not only my friends and followers can see my post but so many others has put me off. My older children’s friends could see it in reality.
Maybe that is one of the reasons I’m not sharing there.
Thanks again. Your comment was actually hugely helpful.
I am so glad!! Hugs!
As someone who has kept many secrets that have haunted me to myself, I again, applaud you. I don’t think I will ever ben able to share my true past.
Thank you, for giving hope and strength to so many…and for sharing. ❤
NO victim of abuse should be feeling ‘ashamed’, tric !
I know Duncan, and I agree but I can’t help but wonder.
Maybe I’m wrong, and even if I’m not it’s okay I’m still good, it’s just taken me aback.
Just watched the news there. Fiona Doyle looks like a weight has been hoisted off her. I see she’s pursuing an investigation in her Mother’s alleged involvement. I hope she gets there.
Exposing our vulnerabilities is risky. Maybe the tidal wave of truth will rise again in another platform for you, tric. To proceed with pressing publish in any forum is as valid a form of honesty as any other.
There are many things I would like to have the courage to share but I fear the risk of being defined by them. Maybe that’ll change as time goes on. Humanity works in so many other ways that comes naturally to you everyday.
Yes she looked amazing didn’t she. Wonderful result for her. Her mom is a nightmare.
You’re right maybe it’s not my time or the correct platform.
I don’t think I am defined by my past as I don’t wear the victim collar but I do think that the more who had the courage to share the easier it would be for others. I am very conscious of that.
Ah well for now they have got all I can give, I’ll just have to be happy with that.
No, you very obviously don’t wear the victim collar. I think Duncan above has an interesting perspective, too.
And, even though it’s completely irrelevant and probably unhelpful – I wouldn’t let Facebook sponsor any of my big stuff 😀
Lol. No you are right there, good point about FB.
Yes I just replied to Duncans comment and I thought it very interesting. He knows me well online so it was a perspective I’d never thought of.
Thanks for helping me work it through. I wasn’t going to post this, as I thought it was just something I needed to work through, but I’m really glad I did now.
when Anita and I were told she had cancer, tric, we went to the pub, ordered a bottle of wine and drew up a list of friends, relatives, and acquaintances. We discussed their personality and temperament with a view to deciding who needed to be told what, how much information to share. Some folk we decided could be told everything. Others, less so. Our decision was based on our expectation of how people would react to the news. We wanted folk to be supportive. The last thing we needed or wanted was folk going to pieces at the news and us having to support them instead of them supporting us
Is not part of your reluctance to openly share what you have done with us with folk you know personally less to do with feeling ‘ashamed’ but simply a recognition that you know these people more intimately and instinctively know some will not know how to react to your news and the last thing you want or need is to make some folk feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, guilty (how did they miss the signs and were not there to lend you support when you needed it?) and have to expend your time and energy helping them to understand and come to terms with your abuse ?
it is not the victim’s role to comfort and support those who were not the target of the abuse !
Thanks Duncan. This is an interesting thought. My children (the older three) know about my past but I do wonder how they would feel if my letter showed up in their FB feed.
Maybe you’re right Duncan, maybe it’s more than just one reason.
Certainly for my own siblings I would be self conscious about them reading it, is that the same as ashamed I’m not sure.
I did find writing this post helpful and your comment even more so.
How hard it must have been for you that day in the Cafe Duncan? A nightmare. xx
Sharing with a select few is a starting point! There is no shame in that and when you are ready, then share with the rest of the worls. If not that’s okay too! I for one thought it was amazingly courageous of you!
Thanks April. That’s really kind of you. Yes you’re right maybe I should just chill and accept that this is now and time might change things in the future.
Thank you.
I agree that there are different platforms for different reasons.
My blog is totally annonymous for a reason. Even the people who know about the site have trouble findimg it if they lose the link. I’m not ashamed of anything i have written and will one day share it openly with my kids. But now is not the time as it would do more harm than good and would cause me more stress than not.
I suspect you may be in a similar place with sharing on FB. There is no shame in that. Listen to your gut. It knows what is right for you and your situation.
Lots of hugs!!!
Thanks Karaboo you are right about finding it hard to find you, I was only wondering about your recently but was looking for Karaboo!
I suppose the thing about my recovery has always been that I needed to push past what was comfortable so I fretted if this was another instance of that.
However I think it’s just the medium FB that freaks me out and I’m okay with that….. I think.
You have a good heart, Tric, and I believe good people will embrace you and not judge you. Every minute of your life, every experience you have belongs to you to share or keep private. The choice is yours, my friend. ❤
Wise words Jackie. I needed to hear them. Thank you.
Ah Feck is absolutely right Tric. You don’t have to quantify what you say or write. You DID write what you wanted to write. And you DID hit publish. And it IS out there. If that is what you are comfortable with then good on you! This is YOUR story to tell, or not to tell. And how to tell if you do decide to tell. Good for Fiona indeed. You hold that beautiful head of yours up and be strong in all that you do. YOU said it all in your letter. YOU have reclaimed your life. YOU have NO SHAME. NO SHAME TRIC!
I am not yelling mind you, 🙂 I am strongly supporting you in what ever your choices are. If this is the final step, or the first of many more steps you take, in addressing this—-it is your decision. You’ll know what you want to do.
I felt your letter was amazingly brave. As brave as Fiona. As brave as every child who has gone through this who faces each day. I admire you. I admire Fiona. And I admire the child grown in to adult who has not told a soul who struggles yet to know what to do.
❤
Of all the lovely comments you have written and the perfect words you have chosen I love more than all of them your final sentence ‘And I admire the child grown in to adult who has not told a soul who struggles yet to know what to do’
Thank you Colleen
You are welcome Tric. There are things I have not told. And never will. So I understand your struggle.
i think it’s right to share wherever it feels right for you to share. it can be powerful, for you and for others in whatever arena you choose to share it. don’t add to the guilt you’ve been carrying, for something that was not your fault, by worrying about if you’ve shared enough. you have taken a huge and brave step and you deserve to stand tall once more. you have the power now and not the one who tried to take it from you.
Thanks Beth. I was beating myself up, but to recover i have found I need to push myself beyond what is comfortable. I was, I think, wondering to myself if this was something else I needed to face. I’ve decided it isn’t. I’m not able and I’m not sure it’s necessary either.
Thanks again for telling it like it is.
Such a lifelong process has to be undertaken at your own pace and with your own outcomes. Fiona’s process came to this very public conclusion, but that doesn’t mean that yours must, too. You are strong and brave and triumphant in your own way. Other steps may come to you in the future when the time is right for you, but celebrate how amazingly far you have come over the years. Wishing you peace and lots of time standing tall.
Thank you Joanne for such kind words. I will take a moment tonight to look at where I have come from and celebrate my success.
Thank you.
One of the posts I recently wrote, I turned off Facebook, and then on another, took off the Facebook, because of who might read it. I changed my mind and left the Facebook connection, and thought no more about it.
Well done you. It’s the random nature of facebook I fear. You never know who is reading. Hope your beginning to feel a little bit better. You know how to get in touch if ever you need to.
I don’t understand why you are suddenly questioning your decision in the light of what someone else did. Yes, she was brave, and yes, it is admirable. Having said that, so was your decision to share something so personal ANYWHERE – it’s a huge step to take and for what it’s worth, I’m proud of you. I don’t have a FB account for my blog, and I don’t think it’s necessary to strip off to your emotional undies in front of the whole world just because other people are capable of doing so. Listen to your gut feeling, and trust it – and most importantly, “Be yourself – everyone else is already taken” (Oscar Wilde). Hugs xxx
MM you are a gem. Thank you my blog buddy, and is it wrong that it meant a lot to hear you were proud of what I did?
Thank you x