The first Summer without you.

The weather and time have changed and as if overnight we now live in a beautiful country of sunshine and long evenings.
As I step outside the air even seems to smell of Spring and the promise of Summer.
Could it be that we could possibly have another Summer of good weather? Two in a row?
On beautiful days such as today it is easy to believe it.

As I enjoy these early days of Easter holidays, two weeks uniform and school lunch free, I smile. Life is good.
All my family are home from college and the house is noisy and a mess.
Yet it is  this very scene of happiness that can sometimes tip me over.

It does so unexpectedly.
As I look at my fully occupied, noisy kitchen table, my mind drifts to a house not too far away,
to a kitchen table with one empty seat.photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/stewf/69851941/">Stewf</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>
A seat that can never be filled.

As I  look at my table I wonder what would it be like if one were missing?
I think of how much they all contribute to the family in their own way.
The smiley one, the chatty one, the sporty one and the lively one,
and how intensely I love them all,
no one child more than the other.
They are all a part of me, bound by unseen ties.
My children, forever my little ones.

As I take away their empty plates I pause for a moment at my kitchen window.
The sun is shining and the sky is a magnificent blue.
A beautiful day, and yet that somehow makes things worse not better.

I had got used to the dull days and grim weather of winter.
Those dark days fitted perfectly with my sadness.
A few tears falling on a miserable wet day was acceptable.
But somehow these beautiful sunny days have changed things.

We have become accustomed to missing Dan in the winter.
However now we are facing a different sadness.
We are facing the season of sunshine and holidays,
children playing outside and having fun.
Just as there is an empty seat at the table,
there is also amidst the laughter of those children playing outside one laugh less,
one voice in a heated row not heard, one player on the football team missing,
one passport less at the airport.
This is a new loss.

I have heard that grief must be experienced through each new season,
well look out because here comes Summer!

photo credit: Stewf via photopin cc

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9 thoughts on “The first Summer without you.

  1. The first year is the hardest: First Easter, first birthday, first pool opening, first Christmas, and so on. 😦 Get through that year…

    1. Thank you and I know everyone will. It was just one of those days and despite having lots of ideas for a post I couldn’t write any of them, until I wrote this.
      Writing can be so therapeutic.

  2. and it will be very hard, at times both expected and not. perhaps think of the summer sun shining down on you as a warm hug from dan, never forgotten and full of love and light.

    1. Thanks Coleen. It was one of those days but as the week continues to be one with sunshine and lovely weather I am becoming more used to this new season and seeing children out playing.

  3. I have my three at home, well two at home, one close by who comes by when he runs out of food. Our daughter lives on the other side of the country, so times such as these are cherished. As a mom, I couldn’t imagine adjusting to a new normal. My thoughts are with you and your friend.

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