“Daddy watch me”

This day twenty six years ago,
my dad had two days left to live.

I knew time was running out,
but I did not fully appreciate,
that the end was so close.
We had got used to the idea,
that you would die,
but never your death.

I was twenty one years old.
A trainee nurse,
six weeks away from my finals.
A child.
Your daughter,
who never lost sight of the man you were,
despite the ravages of motor neurone disease.

When you died,
you were in your early fifties.
The age my husband is now.

Two years later I walked down the aisle,
with the man who,
over many years has “fixed” me,
and held me together.

At our wedding,
my brother who “gave me away”,
made a beautiful speech.
Despite my express wish,
that you were not to be mentioned,
for fear I would break down,
he ignored me.

As part of his speech he referred back,
to a time when I was just four years old.
I had a toy camera,
and the story goes that I tormented you,
saying constantly “Daddy watch me”,
or as a four year old would say,
“Daddy wah me”.
as I pretended to take a photo of you.

Ending the speech my brother said.
“And today Tric, I have no doubt,
that Dad is indeed watching you,
and he is so proud of you”.

My Dad was a wonderful writer.
His sister told me,
that on one occasion in school,
they had to write a story.
When my Dad aged 11 years brought in his story,
the Master beat him,
as he insisted it was too good,
and therefore must have been written by someone else.

As was common in those days,
my Dad had to leave school early.
As a young man he left Ireland for England,
in order to seek work and adventure.
It was in London he and my mum became a real item.
And it was there,
according to what he told me,
that he learned to read and write properly.
He did a correspondence course,
in very basic English.
However he obviously had a huge talent,
because he has left behind,
a wealth of beautiful letters.
A huge source of inspiration for myself.

One of my favourite posts,
I myself have ever written, was about my Dad.
It was called “more than words can say”.
and was about a letter and poem my Dad sent me,
many years ago.
I was fifteen and had been away from home for a month.
The letter was not to be opened,
until the night before I came home.

As I remember that letter and my Dad tonight,
I think of the many days which have passed,
and the occasions he has missed.
I think of my wedding,
and the four grandchildren he never met!

And then I remember,
my brothers words at my wedding.
“Daddy watch me”.

Next weekend I am going to the Irish Blog Awards,
as a finalist.
And I can’t help but say,
quietly, when I am alone
“Daddy watch me”.

I hope you are proud.

photo credit: h.koppdelaney via photopin cc
photo credit: __MaRiNa__ via photopin cc

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43 thoughts on ““Daddy watch me”

  1. First of all, this is the first I’ve heard that you’ve made finalist in the Irish Blog Awards. Told you that you were talented…but I’m sure it was my vote that pushed you into the finalist list. 🙂 🙂 🙂 I am so proud of you I could burst! You rock, my friend!

    As for your Dad, he is definitely watching you and will be standing next to you when they announce you as a winner. His hand will be on your shoulder and his smile will be wide.

    Lovely post, as usual! And, PLEASE, let me know the results of the awards! (I voted for other bloggers but in different catagories than yours…I’ll be waiting to see how you all do!) Break a leg!

    1. Ha ha. Thank you. I did blog about my making the final. I was bursting. It went from over 150 blogs to 33 and then down to the final 5. I never for a single moment expected it so I was and still am a bit shaken.
      My announcement post was more of a thank you to all who have read and supported me. You M.E (cranky) are definitely one of those so a big huge thank you.

    1. No voting, it is a judging panel! To be honest the final is loads for me. I am a very happy blogger.
      Forgot to say in my last comment, thank you, it is a lovely thought to imagine my Dad smiling with me.

      1. Well, to make the final five is FANTASTIC! Good luck and I’ll be waiting on pins and needles to hear the results.

        (Can Irish judges be bribed? I make a great American Apple Pie!) 🙂

  2. Tricia your dad is very close to you.
    I believe our loved ones that have past are closer to us around their Anniversaries and their Birthdays …
    The love and memories you have and share are so clear, he can not be far from you.
    And Proud .. He along with your family and friends we are soooo proud.
    Have a fabulous night at the awards!
    And wear a dress !!!

    1. Thanks I do think a lot about my Dad but sometimes I miss him more than others esp near his anniversary.
      I am sure I’ll have a great night…. But….. I am not wearing a poxy dress!!! 🙂

  3. Written so beautifully. I re-read your post “More than words can say” today.
    I am sure, tric, that your Dad is indeed watching you – as always!.
    Break a leg at the Irish bloggers finalist awards night.

    Best Regards,
    -Deo

    1. Thanks Deo. Glad you liked this post. Some posts are more personal, and this sure was one of those!
      I’ll have a great night I’m sure at the awards. Imagine a night meeting bloggers. I’m sure it will be fab.

      1. I am sure it will be a great night.

        In my previous note, I had said “Break a leg”. This time I will go one step ahead, using the phrase from our German friends “Hals- und Beinbruch” – which means neck and leg fracture….Germans don’t stop with leg alone 🙂

        May the luck of Irish be with you, along with our Best Wishes!

        -Deo

        1. Luckily I will not be drinking as I am so stressed about it that I might actually achieve this toast of good luck.
          I never knew that the Germans extended that phrase. As always you are a font of information Deo. Thanks again 🙂

  4. Absolutely beautiful, Tric, and I agree with the others that indeed, your dad will be besides you that night win or lose, for the winning is in his smile upon you, following in his footsteps.

  5. will the awards be televised?

    goodness, I bet you haven’t a thing to wear !

    have you booked an appointment to have your hair done, arranged to go shopping for a new frock and some shoes?

    P.S. better start practicing your acceptance speech

    P.P.S. it’s not just your dad that is proud of your achievement in getting so far – we all are ! 😆

    1. Thank you Duncan, that comment means a lot to me.
      As for my outfit, I hate getting dressed up, and I do not do dresses. It is a nightmare. There is even a theme, Cabaret!
      My friends are cracking up laughing. One of them even told me the other day that she saw a feather on the ground and thought of me. (you know the feathers they all wore in their headbands!) The awards are no bother but the dressing up !!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. So lovely, moved me to tears! I get such a sense of your dad from your writing about him, what a wonderful father and man he was. I’m sure he is watching you, and very, very proud of the woman you are!

    1. Thanks Lucia Maya. I feel like that when I read your posts about Elizabeth. It is not always the length of time we live that really matters is it?

      1. Thank you. No, we have this idea that because some people live to be 80 that’s best for everyone, but who’s to say that it’s better? For Elizabeth it was 22 years, and that had to be the exact right time for her…blessings, Lucia

  7. We have a similar experience. My father passed away when I was a student in high school. My dream is my father will accompany me when I walk through the aisle of the church, the day I will marry….

    Nice to read it,,

    1. Oh I am sure he will. The more the years pass the more I feel close to Dad, as initially I was missing him too much. Great to see you here and glad you enjoyed the post.

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