Come November Daniel will be gone three years. If I were to think of the past three years in terms of days and hours it would seem like a long time, so much has happened. Yet when I look at his photo I cannot believe it. It seems like only yesterday we worried about his lack of energy and only a moment ago when we heard he had leukemia. Sometimes, out of the blue I freeze as I remember waking to the news. In that moment it is as shocking as if it were just happening all over again.
Imagine what it must be like for his mum and dad?
The other day Dan’s mum and I were chatting about grief and time. My friend is amazing, getting on with her everyday, coming out with us and despite her pain, making the most of life. As a result there are many who think ‘wow she is doing so well.’ Because they do not see her eyes red, her hair a mess and she sitting at home depressed, I think they genuinely believe she is ‘getting over’ Daniel dying.
How ridiculous is that? How can you ever, as long as you live, even for a moment, forget you held your dying child in your arms. How can you ever call your children for dinner and not see the empty chair at the table, or pass his empty bedroom last thing at night and not ache?
Tonight I just wanted to remind all who read this, to look at those around them who mourn, regardless of the time since their loss. To appreciate the effort they make each and every day, just to get by. For behind their smiles is a massive effort. When people grieve time goes by a different beat. While the days, months and years may pass, grief remains. So don’t expect them to get over it, for they never will, despite the mask of normality they wear. Instead help them. The last thing they want is for their loved one to be gone, so do not be afraid to mention them, laugh at memories or remember how sad it is they are missing out.
As my buddy and I were chatting about missing Daniel and the hole in her world forever, I remembered a poem I knew which I felt perfectly spoke of how grief is always there. How excruciating it is and the fact that there is no getting away from it. I’ll share it here now in the hope it may bring comfort to those who grieve and understanding for those who do not.
For the families and friends of Daniel (13) Ben (6) and those recently bereaved by the loss of my cousin Anne.
“Time does not bring relief; you all have lied”
photo credit: Matt Preston via photopin cc
photo credit: CarbonNYC via photopin cc
12 thoughts on “Time does not heal”
Tric, this made me cry. It is honest and raw, just like the many emotions we experience in loss and memories.
Thank you. I do think, as you say, grief remains raw. A wound that never heals. Sorry about your tears.
I need those tears, Tric, bundling them up is never a good thing. Warm embrace.
A reminder that we seem to need as life gets busy. My heart goes out to Daniel’s parents and all those who are living with loss. ❤
Hugs to you m’lady.
Three years? It still seems to ‘new’ to me. And I only know him and his family through your words Tric.
Grief is all around and I wouldn’t for one minute expect another human being to ‘get over’ loss. I would hope for them to develop a way to live on with that loss. To find joy and happiness, and be okay with feeling those things.
The poem was beautiful.
Beautifully said, Tric.
I think everyone has their own way of dealing with each loss.
I agree with you about time not healing in itself. So much depends what we do with the time. Loss is so inextricsbly linked to love.
i think it is a wound that never fully heals.
I just can’t imagine dealing with such loss. It is beyond grief to me. I marvel how those who are faced with this do their best to cope. It is amazing what we can do when we are placed in these situations. But I get that just because people seem to be coping doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Or that they actually are coping. My thoughts and prayers to all. xx
Thank you. I see my friend most days and see her pain at times, but even I cannot ever truly imagine it.
Being about her is a real reminder that life is precious, and of course that we don’t ever really know what is behind a smile.
Well said tric, this is so true. Parents who have lost a child never ever heal, the pain is forever intense but yes we wear our masks because society is not able to face the loss of a child, everyone’s worst fear so we as grieving parents have to cover up to help them to accept us once more.