This may be a trigger post.
Today I read a post written by a strong, inspiring blogger who describes what it is to live without her mother in her life. Despite what you might think her mother has not died or moved away. What she has done is unimaginable. She has chosen her daughters abuser over her daughter. I read this powerful piece, commented and then I sat back and thought about it. You can read it here.
I thought about it most of the day, if truth be told. I thought about the trauma of those early days, when I first told my own family about my abuse, and their various reactions. I thought about the writer and how lonely it must be to have gone through what she did, and then to have her mother chose her abuser over her own child. How strong she is to be able to write this article. As I went about my day I looked around me and wondered at those I passed, ‘Does she have a secret?’. I also thought about the number of those who are out there living ‘normal’ lives, who have picked themselves up and learned to live with their past.
Yet it struck me as I read it that I am still not ‘out’ about my abuse. I have no problem discussing it if I am asked, but I do feel awkward and embarrassed about it. I know I shouldn’t but I do. I am happy to write this post and sound all together and strong, but will I share it on my facebook page? I’m not sure. At this moment in time I think I wont.
I have written two posts here on my own blog, which spoke of my abuse. Two posts out of over 500. I don’t need a psychiatrist to tell me that it would appear that I am not comfortable writing about it. I agree I am not. I like to say to myself that I don’t want to write about it because it might upset my family, but is that the total truth? I like to say to myself that I don’t speak about it as I do not wish for it to define me, but is that true?
Having spent much of the day thinking about it I still do not know. I have a post written in the form of a letter to ‘the one who stole my childhood’. I submitted it two years ago to another blog (the name of which I cannot remember), to publish anonymously. Yes how brave of me. I have never published it here.
Tonight I will think about it some more. Maybe I will speak up a bit more. Maybe I will post that letter.
Then again maybe I wont.