Where am I?

It’s the new year and we should be all fired up, filled with fresh enthusiasm. It is a time of new beginnings and fresh starts. Yet here I am struggling to write. This is no writers bloc, nor is it burn out. It is once again the failure of my fingers to co operate.

Most days I have a multitude of topics I would wish to write about. Just today I almost finished a post called ‘be careful what you wish for’, about motherhood and our children moving on. However when it came to polishing and finishing it properly, my fingers stopped, just as they have been doing most days since the weekend.photo credit: CLF via photopin cc

For despite so many ideas flying around in my head, my heart is not in them. They seem superficial, and empty. Alongside those ideas is an ever present thought. This week is Daniels birthday. He would be 15.

It’s hard to believe the young boy we said goodbye to November 2013 would be fifteen. He would have grown. His voice would have broken. I wonder would his hair still be as blonde? Would he have continued to be a divil? I imagine he would still be the boy everyone wanted to hang out with. The pupil who broke and yet captured every teachers heart. The bane of his mothers life,in the best possible way,  and the sports mad son every father would dream of.

Speaking with his Mom, aunt and god mother recently we all discovered that we look for him everywhere. Every fifteen year old boy is now Daniel. We look at them in groups and see him in the middle of them. We watch a solitary figure walk up the road, wearing his school blazer, school bag over his shoulder and we wonder is he fifteen? Would Danny be that height? We see teams playing soccer on the soccer pitch and we look to see if we can see a Daniel there. When we don’t his loss strikes once more, as if we had previously forgotten it, although of course we never did.

Today we went for a walk, his aunt and I, and we struggled to believe that he has not been here in over a year. His aunt said that she still expects someday soon to wake up and realise it was all a dream. Even after over a year it is as if we got the news of his leukemia only yesterday, and that he is still in Crumlin.  Where did the year go?

Daniel affected so many in his short life. On Christmas morning a big group of young friends of his, braved the cold to swim in aid ofphoto credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/whitetrashtexas/4086807030/">Robert W. Howington</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/">cc</a> the home care nurses who came to his home to give him his Chemo. Cork is the only county in Ireland with such a service, and those nurses were the difference between Daniel being at home or in hospital. Knowing Dan didn’t live makes those extra days at home very special. In truth though, the big gang of close to 100 people who gathered that day, would have done so for no other reason but to celebrate Daniels life, and collectively think of him. As they will do on Sunday when the cheque for the money raised will be handed over to the Mercy Hospital. a day after Daniels fifteenth birthday.

So forgive me my silence. I will be back, but it looks like I will have to spend a little time thinking of young Daniel, and wishing him a happy birthday. We know he will be fifteen, a time in his life we imagine he would have hugely enjoyed, but for many of us he will forever be the thirteen year old boy, who battled so bravely for as long as he could. The mad, lively, fun loving boy who left his life way too soon, and who is still terribly missed most especially by his parents, siblings, godparents and friends.

This week I am trying to write, but Daniel just wont let me. Maybe tomorrow.

photo credit: Robert W. Howington via photopin cc


17 thoughts on “Where am I?

    1. Thank you. Now that was a comment which hit my heart. I don’t think many comments have ever reduced me to tears. Thank you so much, what a lovely thought, .

  1. What a lovely tribute to Daniel, his young friends gathering for him. You and his mum and aunt and god mother (and I suspect his friends) looking for him in others. Or thinking they even catch sight of him. Ireland must be the place for that. I went to Ireland the first time a few years after my father passed. I saw him everywhere. And every trip there after. I thought it was just me. My aunt and I were talking about dad on one of our trips and she turned to me, while sitting in Ireland, and said “don’t you see your dad every where here? I see him all the time.” I was, gob smacked (Irish or Australian term???). But, I just share that to say I understand what you mean by that. I love these words of yours Tric. And understand your struggle to make your other words once written, feel like they matter right now. Blessings and hugs to you and your Daniel’s family.

    1. Thanks Colleen. I loved reading your experience of your time over here and your sightings of your Dad. It’s a sad but pleasant experience to remember in that way.
      Maybe it is Ireland!
      I know we do say ‘gob smacked’ over here, I’m not sure if we got it from you lot.
      Thanks for your hugs, blessings, comfort and kind comment. You always help.

      1. Oh you didn’t get it from us here in the US. Our vocabulary is not nearly as fun.

        I think it is Ireland. My aunt and I still talk about some of our ‘sightings’ when we get together.

        It is pleasant. I wanted to share too, something someone said to me today. A friend came up and was talking to me about the loss of my nephew. And she shared with me how someone told HER that they always liked saying they are THINKING about their loved ones NOT “missing” them. Because THINKING about them keeps their loved ones more inclusive, more…..here. More a part of their lives. I don’t know if I’m sharing the sentiment correctly, but I got it. Where as “missing” them kind of dismissed them from their lives. I liked what they were trying to say.

    1. I was walking with Danny’s mom today and mentioned your comment and the fact that you were ‘speaking’ directly to Daniel. She was delighted. Thanks Beth as always.

    1. Thanks you are right. My drought continues, but hopefully next week will be a new dawn.
      I know not to bother forcing it when this happens. Time is a great healer.

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