Grief is a strange emotion. For a time it is all consuming. Eating into my every moment. And then it begins to recede. Burrowing deep inside me, taking up residence next to my heart. It becomes a lurker, on occasions out of nowhere it rises to the surface.
At other times Grief hits me with a slap. A sudden sharp shock. It stops me in my tracks. Then I remember the loss, the sadness, no longer having hope. I remember with such pain the words, “He’s coming home”, and I remember “Goodbye” really means, “GONE FOREVER”. And I am right back at the beginning again, wondering had I ever moved on in my grief.
This week I have felt grief. Not the shocking grief, but the lurking one. It has followed me everywhere.
It is mid term. Two of my four children are away, one is out working all day, which leaves just one of my chicks at home. The house has been so quiet. I cannot help but on occasions miss the happy noisy days when the house was filled with small children and toys. When I experienced exhaustion and fun in equal measure. However it was not for those days I mourned this week. It was for my friend and what this week must feel for her.
One is of a young boy in full flight off the pier into the water. The smile on his face, the height of the jump and the obvious delight he was experiencing are so evident. I know he was doing a “Danny”, which was running and jumping without even checking all was safe. It was taken months before we heard he had leukemia. The other photo is of the same boy, taken a couple of years earlier, in the water by the same pier. It is a shot of his head out of the water, the rest of his body submerged. And on his face the most magic smile. A little boy, with a cheeky face, enjoying life so much.
On occasions I look at these photos to remind myself of the wonderful life he lived up to a year ago. I can remember that he had 12 amazing years. Somedays I smile and walk away from those photos in a better place. But this week was different. This week I began to realise he was gone. Life for him was over. He had done all he could do and more but it was not to be. Seeing him so full of life only made me sad thinking of all the fun he has missed out on.
As I look around my quiet house, I cannot help but mourn for my friend, Dan’s mom. This weekend my house will fill up once more. All my children will be back under my roof. However my friend will forever be missing one. In her house there will always be an empty bedroom. A spare place at the table. An empty seat in the car. A part of her heart forever broken.
I do not wish Dan to be back and sick, but I do hugely mourn the loss of such a young vibrant boy, and all he could have become. But mostly this week I mourned for my friends loss, one mother to another. And I wonder at the very difficult road she travels as she walks through life with her four minus one.
I cannot take away her grief or truly understand her pain. But I can look at what I have and regardless of lifes inconveniences and trials, I can appreciate fully that health is wealth. I am very rich indeed.
photo credit: mcdarius via photopin cc
photo credit: mikebaird via photopin cc