Second chance repost #2

Have you an old post you would like to repost?  In response to this post, asking if anyone would like to repost an old post I received a response from W.T.F.  As today is Mothers Day in the United States,  I thought I would post her post today. It is a Mothers Day post with a difference. motherless

A Voice For The Motherless.

Mother’s Day is a bittersweet day for me. I want to cradle my babies and absorb the blessings that they are; however, I just as much would enjoy telling everyone to go piss off. I don’t have my Mom anymore, so please, keep the ooie gooey convo about how much you love and admire yours, to a low whisper. Please don’t get me wrong, I love to celebrate Mothers. I don’t think we do it enough. But this particular holiday, the one where you celebrate your own Mother…it’s tough.

It’s not memories of past Mother’s days that make me tear up. I don’t have any to remember. It wasn’t until I was 14, that my Mom was stable enough to take care of me. I’ve written before about how saddening it is that when my Mother’s mental stability and addictive demons were finally in a safe place, her body rejected life, and she died from cancer. I was just shy of 16.

Not having a Mother around to celebrate is only half the battle for me this year. What’s just as difficult is coming to terms with what kind of Mother she was. I recently asked an older cousin if she had any memories of my Mom. Her response brought this struggle to the surface again. She said a few, but they weren’t anything I would really want to know. I didn’t push it. I didn’t want to. I know the memories would hurt me and only enforce my inability to sugar coat or glorify who my Mom was.

What’s so tough about her not being here now though, is not being able to ever learn my Mother’s story. I never got to hear her side of things. What it was like being her. I never knew her parents either. Both of them died before I ever got to know them. What effect did her parent’s have on her? What did it mean to her to lose her brother to suicide? What was it like to have your first baby at 15?  Was it the chicken or the egg – did the drugs & alcohol come before the bipolar disorder or after? Where were you, when you weren’t around? Did you want to take care of us and couldn’t, or are you just built differently than me – without a maternal heart.

It’s odd to me that as I think about these questions, I’m not angry. I’ve never been angry at my Mother. When she did pop in for a few years, months, weeks or even days, I was the happiest. It feels strange because it feels like I should be angry at her. She made choices that negatively affected all four of her children and I don’t even know of the damage outside of that. Perhaps I’ve channeled that anger somewhere or at someone else. I don’t know.

Leading up to Mother’s Day is always harder on me than the actual day. My eyes and ears pick up on every thing  – the sappy commercials, the questions about plans and of course, the awkward bump in conversation, when the other person realizes, he is talking to someone that no longer has a Mother to buy flowers for. The overload forces me to think about my Mom and in a sense, mourn her. I mourn her loss, her absence in mine and my children’s life but mostly, I mourn her life. It was cut short at such a tragically ironic time. A life’s big fuck you.

My husband has done a good job of creating a tradition on Mother’s Day, where we go for a nice hike and buy flowers for the garden we planted in honor of my Mom. That always makes the day bearable and actually enjoyable.

So to Motherless Momma’s and Motherless daughters and sons everywhere, don’t feel guilty if you would rather sleep through the day, or even the week before Mother’s Day. You’re not alone. Throw the blanket over your head and go have yourself an ugly cry. And then gather up your babies and celebrate, if you feel like it.

I’ll always raise a glass to my Momma. She gave me life. She gave me qualities that make me a pretty awesome human being. She did the best she could. I’ll always love and cherish her, on Mother’s Day and everyday.

************

Best wishes W.T.F . Thinking of you today and hoping, as a mom yourself, you have a lovely day, on what is understandably a difficult day in some ways.

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “Second chance repost #2

    1. Thank you for reading 🙂 Mother does seem like a simple word doesn’t it…but like you said, the complexities associated with it come with a range of emotions.

  1. Beautifully touching second chance post that definitely needed to be posted again. Thank you Tric for giving it a place to shine again.

      1. You’re most welcome! I plan to read more of your work soon, so don’t think I’m a stalker!! (Or worse, a nasty troll). *hugs*

  2. THough I understand your pain what I got the most from your writing is admiration for you. You accept your mother as a human being. You are curious about what it was like to be her. You will toast her because when she was with you you were happy. Thank you for your honesty, I’m sorry for your pain.

    1. Thank you so much. It is such a tough, personal matter to write about. When I do write about this subject though, it take a little sting out of it. Thank you for reading.

  3. This was so worth a re-post. Really made me think. I struggled with mothers day for may years as for ten years I battled infertility. There are many reasons why it can be a tough day but this post really made me think. God bless W.TF.

  4. thank you
    ~
    mother’s day
    isn’t always sugar plum fairy
    happily ever after
    ~
    thank you
    for voicing the difficulties
    many of us have
    on this day

  5. Hello Dawn! I read a few lines and thought this post was familiar. Great post. I told my mum about you and we had a chat about motherhood etc. I think it did her good to talk. y reading your blog, I understand her a little better so thank you xx

  6. Wow, I cannot even comprehend what you must have grown through. I can however, imagine how very much I will dislike mother’s day when my mother is no longer here to celebrate with. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this day every year, but it’s so wonderful that you have the support of your husband to help you through.

  7. Always good to stop over here. My mom experience was a lot like this. I got a little lucky in that she is still here and wiling to heal with me. Take care. Always thankful when you stop by my little blog 🙂
    Very much love,
    Laurie

Comments are always welcome.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s