A conversation in silence.

“Hi, how are things?”, is how we greet each other, in an upbeat voice, as we deliver the mandatory kiss on the cheek.  “Any news?“, we continue. “No none at all, all good thanks”.  And then we pause…..

And in that moment, as silence takes hold, we communicate on a whole different level.

Looking at you I see the light behind your eyes is off, and the smile on your face is one that never travels to your heart. I understand that some days you are tired, as every conversation, including many with myself, is a brilliantly scripted Oscar winning performance. And I hurt for you and all that we do not say.

You do not say that every day you wake with a broken heart. That you feel sad, lonely and lost, shocked and bewildered. You do not say you wish for this sadness and hurt to end, this physical pain in your heart to go away. You do not say how difficult it is to face each day and night without him. You do not say how tortuous it is some days to just get by, to function. You do not rage and scream.

I know that there is much that you do not say.

© Copyright Chris Reynolds and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence

I too do not say many things. I do not say half often enough how amazing I think you are. How strong you are despite your pain. How in awe of you I am. I do not say, that while I never wish to know your pain, that for just a little while I’d like to be able to take it away. To allow you to breathe once more and live in the world you used to know. A world with your four children around you. I do not say, “Today I miss him too“. I do not say that  I cannot bear to see the boys on the soccer pitch playing as I drive by. I do not say how angry I am that this has happened to you my friend, to your family and to such a handsome, cheeky young boy.

There is so much we do not say in that moment together, but I hope you know, by not saying all of this, that I do not deny your grief nor lessen your pain. I am just reading your signals, and some days not saying anything seems to be exactly the right thing to say.

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I posted this earlier today, but by accident had the wrong date on it. I thought I’d corrected it before publishing but I don’t think I did, as only five people have seen it!  So to those of you who did read it already I’m not going mad, just checking if everyone else is just ignoring me!

© Copyright Chris Reynolds and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence

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13 thoughts on “A conversation in silence.

  1. This is lovely Tric. Very moving and so well written! Your writing has always been great, but it feels like a new level of clarity and beauty in the last few months…I know your friend is very blessed to have you as her friend, and that there are times when it’s best to just be present, no words are needed, and no probing either…There were many days when if someone kindly asked me “how are you?”, I’d start sobbing, though less so now.
    I did see this earlier, but don’t try to comment on my iphone, as it’s easier when on my computer…

    1. Thanks Lucia I have felt a bit lost writing recently so it is good to know I am making sense. Life is very busy and there has been a lot of sadness so balance is difficult. It’s not easy to write a post you don’t feel, as i’m sure you know.

  2. Tric this is so incredibly sensitive and loving. The pain comes through very clearly. As does the love and support and wish for your friend. And the missing of your Cheeky Boy.

    1. Thanks Colleen. She is amazing but behind her strength is great effort. I cannot begin to describe how in awe I am of her.
      Grief is a long journey as you and your family well know.

  3. you are such a caring and loving friend, and i’m sure she knows, each of you know, without saying, what you are feeling and just want to share with the other by sharing a space and nothing more need be said.

    1. Somedays we are so in tune, but you know yourself at other times there is nothing I can say. This is her hell, I can only walk beside her.
      Mind you she is super and most days we have lovely chats and still share so much normal everyday nonsense.

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