Letter ten in “a series of letters”, is a letter of confession. A shocking secret, which the writer has had to live with for many years.
It was written by Married with Aspergers
There is something I have kept from you for nearly ten years now. A secret. Something that I fear could reopen old wounds and inflict new ones. I don’t know whether revealing this will destroy you, destroy us, but I believe you deserve to know the truth.
You already know that I was away when your son was murdered. You know that I saw and spoke to him after I left work the evening before. But there is more to it than that. When I left him he was in the company of the two men who killed him. They were acting aggressively even then; I was afraid and could only think about getting away.
One of the two was verbally baiting me, trying to provoke me, and I will never forget the last words he called to me across the street as I hurried to the car park:
“If you go you’ll not see [son] alive again.”
Don’t think there isn’t some “What if?” I’ve not considered over the years. I try to tell myself I couldn’t have known what would happen, that less than 24 hours later I would be in a different country leaving you alone to receive the call that every parent most dreads.
I’m sorry that I never told you. I’m sorry that I did nothing to try to help your son. I’m a coward and a failure. I don’t know if you will ever be able to forgive me. It doesn’t matter: I can never forgive myself.
With deepest regret,
13 thoughts on “A series of Letters. Letter 10.”
this is overwhelmingly powerful.it is amazing that he was able to finally put this to words. it must have been incredibly hard to write. he may not have been able to save him even if he had stayed, but had blamed himself all of these years. what a burden to carry.
Thank you Beth. Yes, writing this was very emotional but also cathartic.
you are very welcome and i’m sure it was –
I’ve ‘liked’ this post – though it didn’t seem right to do so
this must have been a very difficult letter to write
I hope doing so eased some of the pain you have felt over the years
none of us can fully foresee the consequences of the decisions we make
you made a decision and the consequences have haunted you ever since
neither I or anyone else can change that
only you can do so
it took courage to pen this letter, now you need to show that same courage and tell the one person who can free you of the guilt you have felt all those years
wishing you good luck in the telling !
Although she didn’t read this letter, I have spoken to my wife. It was a very difficult thing to speak about and upsetting for her, but this has helped. She hasn’t explicitly absolved me but I feel better for being honest and open.
I hope I never have to live through such an ordeal; it’s difficult enough to deal with the smaller issues in life. I hope that you feel some relief now! Good luck
Thank you. As I responded above, I am starting to feel more at peace now.
I don’t know if I would be able to say this if it was my son that had died,but carrying this around all these years has blurred one simple fact: you chose to walk away from a hostile situation, not to leave your step-son to his death. You could not possibly have known what the outcome of that siutation would be. Let go of at least some of this terrible guilt that really belongs to those that took his life.
It is a brave thing you have done but I hope it helps you – and your poor wife, to move on.
Thank you Helen. That is a valuable perspective.
This is an incredibly powerful letter, and one that had to be very difficult to write. The fact that you finally confessed what happened that night makes it even more so. I know I’ve been less than totally forthcoming in situations, and the thought of confessing them (even though it is a moot point now) just gets the adrenaline rushing through my veins. 🙂
This experience has made me wonder whether the Catholic church might be onto something with confession being good for the soul. I know I feel more at peace since opening up about the events of that night.
I felt your pain as I was reading your letter but I also felt a sense of relief from the release of that heavy burden you’ve been carrying around all these years. May peace continue to fill your soul and that of your wife’s. God bless.
Thank you for your kind wishes. Blessings to you.