There I am in the paper #7

 In case you’ve not been sleeping waiting for my article in last weeks paper here it is. As there is no link available online I’ll share it here the wordpress way.

I am a shopping failure. I arrive at aisle one determined to be disciplined, I will only choose what I need, but alas something always catches my eye. Cakes on special offer or sauces I’ll never use demand I buy them. As do less obvious purchases, such as a knife sharpener, now gathering dust, or hair clippers which roared like a chain saw and were deemed ‘too scary’.

Most recently, a very special, rather expensive, pillow caught my eye. This was no ordinary pillow. It was a ‘memory’ pillow, promising a ‘perfect night’s sleep’. How? Well it was ‘NASA engineered’ of course. So convinced was I as to its magic properties, I almost threw in two, before looking at the price. If himself saw that he’d be awake all night.

On arriving home, I put away the few groceries I’d wanted and the towels, socks and cushions I hadn’t and climbed the stairs with that magic pillow. Looking at my old, pathetic, sliver of a pillow it was a wonder I slept at all. I whipped that ancient relic off the bed and threw myself down on my luxurious, NASA engineered, magic one.

I nearly broke my neck! It would appear that magic memory pillows are rock hard. They are also rather huge. Lying down on it meant I was almost sitting upright, my neck tilted at what seemed to be a rather unnatural angle. But what did I know? I’d obviously been lying down wrong all these years.
Later that night as we settled to bed.

“What are you doing up there?” himself asked from his thin, lumpy, slip of a pillow, way below mine.
“I’m on my new pillow. It’s a memory foam one. NASA engineered, so it must be good.”
“Oh! Well I hope you don’t fall off!”
“No chance and I’ve set my clock for the morning, just in case I’ve a really sound sleep.”

I turned over onto my favoured side and waited for sleep to come. It was not exactly the pleasant experience I’d imagined. More concrete than luxurious. Within minutes my ear began to go numb. I turned the other way… no better. A little disappointed I sat up and whacked my magic pillow a few times, trying to make a small dent in which to place my head. Apart from nearly breaking my knuckles, nothing happened the pillow. I tossed and turned, huffed and puffed, but sleep evaded me.

“I’m not too sure about this pillow.” I said. No reply. Himself was possibly already asleep on his old, sliver of a pillow.
“Right I’ve had enough,” I announced, in a louder voice, “this pillow is a disaster.”
“Ah for goodness sake!” came the groan from below, “Typical of you. How is it meant to remember you if you don’t give it a chance? Here I’ll take it.”

So I gladly settled on my old, but perfect pillow, as himself towered above me on the magic concrete. I smiled at his tossing and turning, but eventually we both nodded off. Hours later I woke up to a moaning noise. Himself was sitting upright, twisting his neck from side to side. I watched from below as he thumped and pummelled the magic pillow before lying down once more. Moments later he was on the move again, tossing and turning before I heard him shout.

“Ah for heaven’s sake!” And with a very loud thud the magic pillow hit the floor.
“Oh dear, does it not remember you?” I queried.
As we both settled on our ancient, thin imperfect pillows I thought to myself, perhaps I was mistaken, maybe it was not the pillow that remembered us, but we who would never forget it?

Photo credit, London Irish Graduate Network

19 thoughts on “There I am in the paper #7

  1. I bought one of those too, thinking it would solve all my problems. My son ended up with it, thinking it might help his. It doesn’t… but it does fill the pillowcase …

  2. that is so funny. i can understand the appeal, but i’m all about fluffy or fat or thin and comfy when it comes to pillows. thank god i can sleep now )

  3. Aha! I always knew I was strange: I had no problems with my memory pillow and find it really comfortable. Regular pillows, on the other hand, get flattened after mere weeks of use and don’t give me enough support.

    1. Yes, definitely ‘strange’. I will shortly be retiring to my flimsy, flat pillow, where I’ll sleep like a baby. No money will separate us again.

  4. Hard luck. I had a similar feeling of anticipation when we got a memory foam mattress. Fully expected an body outline in time, like a chalked murder scene, which I was going to use as a weight-loss measuring tool but no, nothing. Just the continued threats of homicide exchanged depending on who’s snoring the loudest.

    1. It would have been much more difficult to throw the mattress out in the middle of the night! Never again. I wonder is it all a marketing lie? Are they really just dud pillows?
      I feel your pain over the mattress, I’m disappointed and raging on your behalf.

  5. There’s a local mattress manufacturer here that fabricates them memory foam remnants, so they are very reasonably priced at 2/$25. They do take some getting used to and i’m there finally. i wouldn’t have felt guilty about tossing them out since they were so decently priced.

    1. Yes the price of mine was a bit above those you speak of, but I can honestly say I’d no problem forgetting that as I handed it quickly over to himself!

  6. Ah, I had a similarly disastrous experience with a memory foam pillow – never again! Great write, as ever…I was almost a fly on the wall!

    1. Hahaha. Good luck with that. Ours made it’s way slowly towards the bin. Himself took a while accepting no one in the family appreciated it’s magic but in the end he gave in.

  7. I find lying on memory foam like lying on hot coals. And no amount of engineering will convert me to a pillow I haven’t been used to for decades. Oh dear. That’s the age talking 😦

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