Do you ever read my posts and wish you were as good a mother as I am? I knew it, so sit back and I’ll let you in on some of my secrets.
My life as the perfect mother began the moment I held my first baby, a daughter, in my arms. I knew I’d be a great mother, possibly even the greatest mother and I would of course raise the perfect child. That child would grow up to be clever, perfectly behaved and of course eminently successful in life.
Yes, I think it was on that very first night that I left the road of lofty ambitions and changed direction. My reality was never going to happen, as I had not pencilled in the fact that my child would not have read the same books I had and worse again, she would have her own mind.
So I muddled through doing just about everything I swore I’d never do. Over the past twenty four years I’ve allowed my children sleep in my bed, eat all sorts of sweets, drink fizzy drinks and watch copious amounts of television. If I’m truthful Barney reared the first two and Bear in the big blue house the next two. When they became teenagers I watched their skirts get shorter and their tops rise up their bellies. Second holes appeared in their ears and their belly buttons were also pierced. They shouted most disrespectfully at me on many occasions and their father was definitely not a figure they feared.
I wasn’t stupid though and I learned many things along the way.
1. Listen to all they are not telling me.
“You’re home early”.
“Ye the party was boring”.
Lies, there was definitely a story there.
2. When you say something, mean it.
“I said clean your room, or else…”
“Chill mum, I will”.
I was not in need of chilling! This situation may or may not have been sorted by me going into the room and throwing everything on the floor out of the window, because I meant what I said.
“Put that plate in the dishwasher when you’re finished”
“I will, I always do”.
“You never do”.
Later I note spaghetti stained plate is still in the sitting room.
“Mum you psycho!”
The plate just may have been left on her pillow.
3. Develope spying skills akin to a secret agent.
I just may, on more than one occasion, have driven to an area where I thought my children were hanging out when they told me they were somewhere else, after which we had this conversation.
“You were at xxx’s…. today”
“No I wasn’t”
“Really? I am your mother. I can spot a lie a mile away I’ve told you before, it’s mothers intuition. I know you were there and I bet so was x,y and z so don’t even try to lie to me.”
This almost always resulted in a confession of some sort.
4. Become an accomplished actor.
“Mum my friend xxxx is pregnant/a drug addict/ expelled”
Never bat an eye, keep all emotion out of your voice and never ever act like you wish to know all the details.
5. Now for my final piece of advice.
Accept now that even though you know you are an amazing mother, worthy of many awards, your children are pre programmed to blame you for everything that goes wrong in their lives, and at times they may even be in denial as to how much they love you.
However don’t worry about it, just follow my simple rules and delight in knowing you are a wonderful mother. Welcome to the teenage world of mothering.