Do you ever read my posts and wish you were as good a mother as I am? I knew it, so sit back and I’ll let you in on some of my secrets.
My life as the perfect mother began the moment I held my first baby, a daughter, in my arms. I knew I’d be a great mother, possibly even the greatest mother and I would of course raise the perfect child. That child would grow up to be clever, perfectly behaved and of course eminently successful in life.
All went well until the first night.
Yes, I think it was on that very first night that I left the road of lofty ambitions and changed direction. My reality was never going to happen, as I had not pencilled in the fact that my child would not have read the same books I had and worse again, she would have her own mind.
So I muddled through doing just about everything I swore I’d never do. Over the past twenty four years I’ve allowed my children sleep in my bed, eat all sorts of sweets, drink fizzy drinks and watch copious amounts of television. If I’m truthful Barney reared the first two and Bear in the big blue house the next two. When they became teenagers I watched their skirts get shorter and their tops rise up their bellies. Second holes appeared in their ears and their belly buttons were also pierced. They shouted most disrespectfully at me on many occasions and their father was definitely not a figure they feared.
I wasn’t stupid though and I learned many things along the way.
1. Listen to all they are not telling me.
“You’re home early”.
“Ye the party was boring”.
Lies, there was definitely a story there.
2. When you say something, mean it.
“Clean your room”.
“Ye”
“I said clean your room, or else…”
“Chill mum, I will”.
I was not in need of chilling! This situation may or may not have been sorted by me going into the room and throwing everything on the floor out of the window, because I meant what I said.
“Put that plate in the dishwasher when you’re finished”
“I will, I always do”.
“You never do”.
Later I note spaghetti stained plate is still in the sitting room.
Much later…
“Mum you psycho!”
The plate just may have been left on her pillow.
3. Develope spying skills akin to a secret agent.
I just may, on more than one occasion, have driven to an area where I thought my children were hanging out when they told me they were somewhere else, after which we had this conversation.
“You were at xxx’s…. today”
“No I wasn’t”
“Really? I am your mother. I can spot a lie a mile away I’ve told you before, it’s mothers intuition. I know you were there and I bet so was x,y and z so don’t even try to lie to me.”
This almost always resulted in a confession of some sort.
4. Become an accomplished actor.
“Mum my friend xxxx is pregnant/a drug addict/ expelled”
Never bat an eye, keep all emotion out of your voice and never ever act like you wish to know all the details.
“Really, that’s awful. Set the table”.
5. Now for my final piece of advice.
Accept now that even though you know you are an amazing mother, worthy of many awards, your children are pre programmed to blame you for everything that goes wrong in their lives, and at times they may even be in denial as to how much they love you.
However don’t worry about it, just follow my simple rules and delight in knowing you are a wonderful mother. Welcome to the teenage world of mothering.
photo credit: Jack Fussell via photopin cc
photo credit: ashley rose, via photopin cc
photo credit: juicyrai via photopin cc
My thoughts on a page. 
“Really, that’s awful. Set the table”.
Hehe. I’m robbing that.
I shall continue to aspire to such lofty levels of brilliance *genuflects*
Bless you my child, now set the table. 🙂
‘The plate just may have been left on her pillow’
This is what I need to do with my son!
Brilliant post, I love it 🙂
Haha, good luck to your son. Now you are armed and dangerous. 🙂
So funny! And so true. I could write a book about all the ways I have been the “perfect” mother… 🙂
Yes I think many of us could. Lots of ‘different’ approaches, and many of them highly creative.
Ah, you’ve brought back many memories!!! I, too, was a fabulous Mother, complete with “or else” and mad spying. Never thought of the plate on the pillow, though! My hat’s off to you.
Happy days. Lets just say I don’t have to do much more than threaten now. 🙂
And here I am, about to become a grandmother, and thinking “Oh, just you wait, my dear daughter! Turn about is fair play……”
I never thought to throw their stuff out the window on the lawn, but we did pack up all their toys once and I don’t know who forgot about them first me or them. We found the bag of toys several months later when we were cleaning the closet getting ready to move to a new house.
Oh I bet they were delighted. I’ve thrown a lot out in my day and most of it was never even missed. I’m about to go on holidays and I might just have mislaid a few of my OH’s favourite, will wear until he dies, pieces accidentally!
I took the door off of the hinges when my daughter refused to leave it unlocked as I asked her to. I also read their emails when they conveniently either left them open on my computer or left the print outs in my printer. It’s not my fault they are forgetful! And I called their friends’ parents to make sure their child was going to the same event mine said they were going to with that child! Yup. I did it. My three survived. They now (two in their 30’s and the baby will be 25 in a couple of weeks) admit that I did exactly the right thing checking up on them.
I love that you took the door off the hinges. No wonder we get on so well online, birds of a feather and all that. 🙂
Brilliant. I can see myself doing a lot of those things in the not too distant future, so obviously I am on the road to magnificent mothering! 😊
Welcome aboard wonderful mother. 🙂
Hahahahahaha! SO ACCURATE Tric!!!!! Absolutely truthful!!!! It’s like you and I conferred at night and came up with the same plan! (Don’t tell my kids!)
Not a word Colleen, our secret.
You’re a good woman Tric. 😉
This is perfect! I love the fecking of everything out the window and dirty plate left on the pillow…I can see that happening in out house in a few years lol!
x
Yes that was one of my finest moments. I wrote about it here if you’re interested. https://mythoughtsonapage.com/2013/02/04/testosterone-meets-oestrogen/ It’s all ahead of you, but well worth the effort. Number four is a dawdle now. Good luck wonderful mother.
This was spot on! When a child hates their parents then those parents are doing their job.
At times I know they did, but we are through the worst of it now thank goodness. Thanks Jackie.
I am definitely too soft!
Aw your gang are lucky, make sure they know it.
Hahaha! You are an amazing mother. I did not detect any yelling, ranting, craziness coming from you. Maybe I should go back and start over – at 68 I have a lot more patience than I did when I was younger and raising my children.
My best strategy. “Clean your room, or I will.” Translation. “If you ever want to see any of that junk laying about again, put it away.
What a great post and great mom. I think over appreciate accountability even if they don’t know it. Rules and consequences help the world make sense and are a necessary second to hugs and unconditional love. 🙂
Reblogged this on topknotmom.
this is so funny, and so true and this makes you the perfect parent.
You had me with the title; love it and from here on in I will be following these steps to the letter 😉
Billiant! I’m so glad I’m not the only mum whose kids think she’s nuts and tell her. That might have been after firing their schoolbags out into the back garden after they’d been left underfoot in the hall yet again. Or possibly threatening to hang a sign above the front door stating, ‘Hotel Hurley’ till they got a grip. Ahh, good days! We laugh now about it. Mostly.
I read this with a pencil and paper at hand to take careful notes. (I imagine a lot of it applies to being a wonderful father too.) By the way, it was interesting to see from one of the photographs that your children use the same interior decorator as mine.