Last night it hit me like a train, my youngest is about to become a teenager. As I look at her I am struck by how much she has changed in the past year. She has grown taller than myself, and now shares the clothes belonging to her older sisters. She enjoys being alone in her bedroom, and is becoming a part of her older siblings conversations. The Sylvanian Family village gathered over many years, is covered in dust, never to be played with again.
For a moment I wallowed in my loss. I am no longer a mother to young children. My life is hurtling forward, with so much behind me. Moments I will never again enjoy, such as holding my small babies, walking baby steps holding the hand of a young child who is fascinated by everything they pass, the closeness of reading bed time stories, the bear hug of my children or the extreme welcome home received, regardless of how long I have been missing. It is over. There is so much in the past.
Bereft I took myself to bed, mourning my loss.
As I lay in bed I turned on my lamp. Something fell to the floor and as I picked it up I saw it was my book mark of Daniel. On it are 11 photos. I looked at him through the years, a small boy of two, a school going boy of five, a lively boy of seven, a wonderful character at eleven. Then I looked at the final photo, the most recent one, of him bald, wearing his baseball cap and cheeky grin. The one that was taken at the age of 13. His final year of life. The year he suffered more than anyone ever should. The year we saw how brave a boy he was.
I thought of my own darling girl, with the long hair and pretty smile, how full of life she is and I remembered… The young boy I visited most days, the young boy, the same age as my little lady is now, who was told he had cancer. I remembered how sick he was, how tired he became, how stoical he was, how little he got to smile in his thirteenth year, and I was ashamed.
It is wrong for anyone to feel pity for me because my baby is growing up. I should celebrate all her milestones, and be as full of excitement for the year and years ahead as she is. My life as a mother is not to rear babies, but to nourish and support my children throughout all their lives. To praise them when they do well, to celebrate their happy days, and to be there when life throws difficulties in their direction. I have enjoyed so many of their baby days, but now real parenting begins, and it is up to me to continue to enjoy the many happy days that lie ahead.
Today as I collect my still twelve year old from school I will listen as she describes her day, and when she becomes all excited about Thursday I will give a sneaky glance at Daniel, as he smiles out at me, and I will wink in his direction, ‘Thanks for the reminder sweetheart, where ever you are”.
My thoughts on a page. 
This piece took my breathe away…nearly choking on my own sobs, I will hug my kids just a little tighter tonight. ❤
Sorry about that Michelle, but glad to hear you will be hugging your kids. Sometimes we forget how good we have it. Enjoy.
Don’t be sorry. Raw emotion is a beautiful thing. Thanks for the reminder. Xo
((Hugs)) Lovely reminder.
Thank you. We all need them now and again.
thank you
for a wonderful post
~
one with life
honoring the continuing beauty
of the now
Thank you, a lovely comment, and now really can be beautiful.
You go along minding your own business and WHAM….. grief hits you squarely in your heart. Grief will have its way with you.
Yes I so agree Jackie. It comes out of nowhere, and sideswipes us, after weeks and even years.
Tric, that’s beautiful, and puts an awful lot into perspective. Have a wonderful day Thursday 🙂
Thank you. She is so excited so I am pretty sure we will all enjoy it.
I mainly read blogs for light relief but every so often you read a post that just hits you in the stomach and that’s a good thing. Thank you for making me cry.
Thank you I am glad it was in a good way. 🙂
So true. Just trying to remain in the present and being present are the “gift” in themselves. Lovely post *as always* ! Xx
Thanks Emily. You have almost all spectrum’s of motherhood around you and ‘knowing’ you I never doubt you live today. I just forgot for a moment!
A sweet and poignant post. I remember the moment that I stepped back and realized that my role had changed from hand-holder to launching pad. And a blessing it is, despite the loss.
Yes I agree, despite the loss there is so much more ahead. Thank you.
It’s so difficult when they grow up. My Teen and I share the same shoe size now. Good news for me but not for her! lol
This is a beautiful post but like you I am mourning the loss of my baby. I still treasure the morning good bye proffered cheek and the hugs that I get on occasion though.
I thought of you as I wrote this as I knew you had had this experience a few short weeks ago. Despite my bravado I will still on occasion mourn and miss my ‘baby’ but I will try to embrace and enjoy all that today and the future holds.
Looks like Daniel’s got a good handle on things Tric. Keeping things going and pulling ‘us’ along with you. I’m sure he understands you being sad about the babies growing, but I love your word for him “cheeky”. And he uses it to gently prod you along. 😉
Thanks Colleen. I mean ‘cheeky’ in a very kind fun way, as you have figured out (must be all the irish in you)
I see you liked my facebook page. I was delighted. Have you one? I saw something on facebook the other day and thought of you but had no where to send it. 🙂
I have always loved the ‘cheeky’ expression. It’s so….fun. And feels so youthful.
I do have one. I think I liked your FB page from my blog FB page. It’s “Chatter Blog” should take you right to it. And I’m quite tickled you thought of me ! 🙂
Lovely reminder–we truly are blessed–
Thank you. It’s been life changing seeing my friend go through the loss of her lovely boy, but I will try to use it for the good. We are indeed so very lucky.
thank you to all who remind us and never leave our hearts.
Exactly Beth. I remember your loss too. We are privileged and know it, which can only be a good thing.
I remember mourning the loss of my lovely mum, my marriage, and my little girl (as she became a real teenager) all in the same month, but they all pale compared with the death of a child. Beautifully written as always x
Oh my goodness that was a lot of grief for you to handle at that time. I do agree the death of a child is beyond anything I can imagine, but any grief is a long and very difficult road. I sympathise with you on the loss of your mom. That is a huge loss.