Living in the past.

I am finding it impossible to write. My block is not because I’m too busy, nor because I have no ideas to put on paper. It is because my thoughts are elsewhere.

This weekend last year Daniel came home for the fist time since leaving four months earlier for a bone marrow transplant . There was much excitment around his return. And there was hope. If he was strong enough to travel home it must be a good sign. Maybe that infamous corner was about to be turned? Maybe it was the start of weekends at home? Maybe eventually there would come a time when he would travel to Dublin just for dialysis? Maybe the day was coming when Daniel would be cured?

The reality was very different. The young boy who came home was not the boy who had left. Seeing him in his home environment showed us, not how well he was getting, but how sick he was, and the long hard climb ahead of him.

Daniels anniversary is on the 29th of November. Six weeks away. It is so difficult not to spend each day remembering. Remembering, ‘this day last year’. I cannot imagine how it is for his parents, siblings and family.

For over the next few weeks Daniel suffered a lot of pain. During that time all efforts went into curing him, at a cost. During that time on two occasions Daniel was ventilated. There was a real chance he would die miles from home, in ICU and on a ventilator. There were occasions when we cried imagining his parents never again hearing him speak, imagining that last goodbye.

I cannot even begin to tell you of all those awful days, as they were too many to speak of. Watching from a distance I often felt sick with fear. I cried so many tears alone and in company. Even now a year later I cannot forget. I cannot forget those conversations I had with my friends, Daniels family, about things we should only be saying, if we were speaking about an elderly grandparent. Those next six weeks were a nightmare, a nightmare which keeps flashing back into my everyday life.

I know it will pass. I also know it is nothing compared to Dans families nightmare.

So over the next few weeks stick with me please. If I repost an old fun post maybe it’s because I’m just having a bad day. Maybe now I’ve spoken my mind I will be able to write again. However I’m not sure. Daniel is gone and yet I seem to find memories of him everywhere, from his smiling face in photos, to the nightmare flashbacks from last year. The memory of Daniels pain and suffering, and the knowledge that it was all for nothing is sometimes just too much. The only positive in the weeks ahead was Daniel being ‘well’ enough to travel home. Well enough to know he was home, and to have a full day there before he began to leave peacefully, with all who loved him beside him.

Yes my friends even after one year it is all as raw and as real as if it were yesterday. And I cannot forget.

photo credit: Matt Preston via photopin cc

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18 thoughts on “Living in the past.

    1. Wading is an apt description. There is an air of dread about the next few weeks, and daily flashbacks just add to it. Having said that Dans parents and family are super. A real inspiration thank you.

  1. Like Deborah, I’m here, too. I think of Daniel often, which means that you have kept him alive and have brought him to many new people through your loving words and memories. Sending love and healing thoughts to you and especially to Daniel’s family. I don’t mean for it to sound trite, but I don’t believe that all of that pain was for “nothing”; I hope and pray that it let’s Daniel’s parents find some peace in knowing that they did everything that could have been done to save him, before they let him go.

    1. Thanks so much. I agree you are right, they definitely feel they could have done no more, and also the medics learned a lot while treating Daniel. Who knows who that might help someday.
      It’s just incredible to believe he actually died, as you well know there was no guarantee, but the odds should have been in his favour. Thanks again for your comment and all your support over the past year and longer.

  2. i remember his homecoming and your hopeful voice in spite of the evidence of the toll the disease had taken on him. take all the time you need and post what and if you need to post and we are all out here to support you. there is no time frame for any of this and just follow your heart as it leads you through the process. hugs )

  3. I feel like we met Daniel, he has been such a presence with us. It makes sense to me that you are feeling this way Tric. I’ll stick with you for certain. I hope he sends you some comfort in the next weeks. To let you know you think of him with love.

    1. I am sure he’ll hang around his family and I hope they feel him close by in the next few difficult weeks.
      Firsts are difficult. You have a few ahead of you too. Flashbacks are sad too.

    1. Yes I do agree Michele, and for myself there is no comparison compared to what his parents, family and god parents are going through, now and forever.
      I still have my four children.

  4. Remembering is all we will do and for the next 10 weeks …these are the most difficult of the 52…
    Because this will be the hardest to remember.. I was lucky enough to visit and sit with Daniel in the ICU. To hold his hand , to pray .. I would send my love, my energy , my strength and anything I had in me that might help him get strong.. I believed that once we were positive, that if I visualised Daniel healthy and happy in the future of course it would happen in time …
    The future turned out very different for us all .. It is a sad place without Daniel.
    But life does go on .. And people have to move on … I hate those words !

    But Daniel has given us so much . We rally round each other, family and friends we reach out and hold one another a little longer and stronger… There are silent conversations between us all… We know we are here for each other..
    And Dan is close to us . Watching and minding.
    Together Trish we will all remember the happy and the very sad days of Daniels journey…..

    1. So very well put. I am so conscious of how very deep your grief for Daniel must be, compared to mine.
      I know he is as near to you all as he can possibly be.
      As for our connections to each other, you described that perfectly, we do indeed, ‘have silent conversations’, and we do hold onto each other , unspoken, a little longer.
      xxxxx to you Tignamara. Daniel was lucky, so very very lucky to have you as such a huge presence and influence in his life.
      As for you, it was your duty to have that scut break your heart as often as he could! 🙂 Memories you and everyone now treasure.
      Thanks for taking the time to comment.

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