Today is not a good day.

 

Today I have cleaned the house, including the bathrooms,
I have chatted with my children,
and made lunch, done laundry, and cleaned the house some more.

Externally I have smiled,
and gone about all I have to do as normal.
But today, inside I weep.

It is just over a year ago since young Daniels transplant.
As we holidayed last week in Spain, I laughed,
and played in the sea and pool.
But when sitting in our bedroom alone,
I was haunted.

Last year as I sat there I had got regular updates.
The bone marrow transplant was a great success,
and Dan had not even spiked a temperature.
He was in wonderful form,
and feeling strong.

Just two weeks later that all changed.

Recently I was walking with his mom,
and we were chatting.
Feeling his loss, she turned to me and said,
“Grief is the one thing in life you must do alone”.

She explained that as a married couple,
throughout your life together you come across difficulties.
Sharing them helps enormously.
However with grief she said, it makes no difference,
because no one else can lessen it.

Today as I sit here writing this,
my heart is breaking for my friend.
I know how hard I have found the past couple of weeks,
how many times I have raged,
how many tears I have shed.
I cannot begin to imagine her pain.

As she says, she must carry her grief alone.
All we, her friends and family, can do,
is walk beside her,
offering a shoulder to lean on,
or a hand to hold.

For despite our love and support,
none of us can lessen her pain.
None of us can understand her loss,
and none of us can heal her wound.

Today I am sad for my friend,
I hurt, I rage and I cry.
But at the end of the day what good does it do.
My friend still grieves,
and Daniel is still gone.

Today is just one of those days.

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37 thoughts on “Today is not a good day.

    1. Thanks Laura. This friend has also been there for me on some very dark days. It’s just one of those days, as well as the memory of last year.
      Tomorrow will be a new day thank goodness, for me anyway. Thanks again Laura, for reading and commenting.

  1. I can’t begin to imagine it either and I don’t like to spend time thinking about it. I can’t pretend to know how it feels or offer much in terms of reassurance, except having good friends around me when I need them makes me feel secure. You’re a good friend to Dan’s mum, Tric. She really needs you, but you know that. Take care.

    1. Thanks Olivia. We’d be lost without our friends, but it’s hard to watch them hurt, even though they do such a great job of getting on with life.
      Here’s to tomorrow.

  2. As a mother who lost her daughter, I agree completely with you and your friend. Having loving and supportive family and friends makes a huge difference, AND, you really are alone in your grief. Knowing others who are experiencing similar losses brings connection and comfort, but the journey is one we must walk alone.

    Thank you for your beautiful post.

    1. Thanks Lucia. I feel it is a disservice to her at times to be sad, as she is so very strong and I do not wish for anyone to think otherwise. But I can feel her hurting.
      I think connecting with you always helps me, as you and she are alike in so many ways, you are just further along, and even your journey is only just beginning.
      Thanks Lucia.

  3. Company is never going to be a solution but it is a great comfort – having the support of a friend, especially one you trust does ease the burden somewhat – knowing the door is always open.

  4. Oh hon! I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better! But I know there isnt, I’m just glad your friend has you to be there if she needs it! Hugs!

    1. Thanks April. It’s just a difficult time, remembering how hopeful we were and the enormity of his loss, for his parents, family and friends.
      hugs are always good! 🙂

  5. Tric, I share your pain. I feel the same grief as you. But your friend is right that grief is something we must deal with on our own because each one of us deals with grief in a different way. However, those of us who have grieved understand the pain you (and your friend) are going through. Hugs my dear.

  6. just keep being there for each other, in whatever way is needed. there will be bad day and good days and sometimes you just have to feel them and wait for another day. hugs ) b

    1. Most definitely Beth. This day was building for the past few weeks, and just needed to come.
      It is just not the tomorrow we imagined this time last year.
      Thanks again, you are always so understanding.

    1. Thanks a million. I feel like a right moany mary sometimes whinging here about Dan, but I hate the thought that someday we will not write or speak about him, and also this is my blog, and I needed to write it as it’s been festering for a few weeks now.
      In a way it helped.
      Your comment about keeping Daniels memory alive in my posts was lovely. Thank you so much for that. x

  7. Another one of those days Tric, they happen all too often. Yesterday afternoon around 4 o’clock I suddenly realised this time last year I was having power ranger battles with Ben in the swimming pool in Lanzarote. Never gets any easier.. While I agree I lot of the grieving is done alone, I honestly think that I wouldn’t have been able to cope without the help of Elma, as well as close family members and really close friends. Like you are there for your friend. The help you give by just being there for her will mean so much and will help her to get to the next day, which is all you can do. I think of Daniel a lot and still say good morning and good evening to him every day in St Johns. You have been so good to us remembering our difficulties. All my best.

    1. Thanks Bryan. Hoping to get over with my little one to visit Ben later, and the bould Dan of course, as she wants to see his headstone.
      Think of you all many times.

  8. Hiya Tric. Sending you hugs and love. It’s hard not to be able to absorb pain for others – your presence is crucial to your friend, though, so chin up. You make a difference, even if you can’t carry her grief for her. Just keep on being yourself and be there for her. Hugs xxx

    1. Thanks MM. It was a hard few weeks with more to come, but today was another day, and that mood had lifted thank goodness.
      I hope you and your family are doing okay.
      Thanks a mil for the hugs and your kind words as always your support means a lot.

  9. Tric, this was beautifully, honestly written from the heart. I felt your pain and at the end of the day, you’re right, there is nothing we can do to lessen the pain of someone grieving.
    It’s that surreal realization that even though someone is suffering in any way, the world keeps turning, people continue with their lives, their plans for that day.
    I felt this when we found out our daughter’s diagnosis, when my husband and I couldn’t stop crying, yet, everything else on the outside world was the same (I’ve already shared the details with you). Anyway, I hope your friend’s pain does lessen in time, as well as, yours. Sending healing hugs your way~

    1. Thanks so much. I am sorry for not replying sooner, I missed your comment. I can only imagine what it is like to live with the pain of being told there is something potentially life threatening wrong with your child, or as in my friends case the loss.
      I hope to never find out. But as a friend it is hard to walk beside someone who you know is hurting so deeply. Some days are not great. Thankfully today is a good one. Thanks again for your healing hugs and kind comment.

      1. No worries, Tric, and though this was probably difficult to write, I just feel you wrote it well with so much compassion, love and support…I’m happy for that one good day and hope there will be many more to come…wishing you a lovely weekend of smiles and serenity. ♥

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