Today I have cleaned the house, including the bathrooms,
I have chatted with my children,
and made lunch, done laundry, and cleaned the house some more.
Externally I have smiled,
and gone about all I have to do as normal.
But today, inside I weep.
It is just over a year ago since young Daniels transplant.
As we holidayed last week in Spain, I laughed,
and played in the sea and pool.
But when sitting in our bedroom alone,
I was haunted.
Last year as I sat there I had got regular updates.
The bone marrow transplant was a great success,
and Dan had not even spiked a temperature.
He was in wonderful form,
and feeling strong.
Just two weeks later that all changed.
Recently I was walking with his mom,
and we were chatting.
Feeling his loss, she turned to me and said,
“Grief is the one thing in life you must do alone”.
She explained that as a married couple,
throughout your life together you come across difficulties.
Sharing them helps enormously.
However with grief she said, it makes no difference,
because no one else can lessen it.
Today as I sit here writing this,
my heart is breaking for my friend.
I know how hard I have found the past couple of weeks,
how many times I have raged,
how many tears I have shed.
I cannot begin to imagine her pain.
As she says, she must carry her grief alone.
All we, her friends and family, can do,
is walk beside her,
offering a shoulder to lean on,
or a hand to hold.
For despite our love and support,
none of us can lessen her pain.
None of us can understand her loss,
and none of us can heal her wound.
Today I am sad for my friend,
I hurt, I rage and I cry.
But at the end of the day what good does it do.
My friend still grieves,
and Daniel is still gone.
Today is just one of those days.