Sometimes I cry.

Todays second chance repost comes from the blog of faithmummy. This is one blogger I follow whose writing is deserving of many many readers. It is impossible to read what she writes and not be moved and inspired by her. She was given two special children, but they too were given a very special mother.
At the time I wrote this I had only been blogging for two months. This particular posts marks a very real landmark in my journey with my special needs children. The fact others read and liked it and commented spurred me on to move on, climb on and keep dreaming for my children. At so many times so many of us are in this place of no hope. I would like to share this one to show people that there is always hope. My son is now settled and doing well in a specialist school, he is self harming less often and he is coping well with his poor vision.

Sometimes I cry.

This has been one of my hardest blogs to write so far. It has been a very challenging week and most days tears have been shed. And tonight all four of us shed some tears. It hasn’t solved anything but it helps release the emotions of a stressful week.

Firstly there have been tears thinking of preparing my baby boy for starting school in just 5 months time. Having your baby start school is an emotional time for any mummy. And everyone says how emotional it is to see your treasured baby suddenly wear school uniform and carry their first school bag. But for me it really is my baby. He is still drinking out of a baby bottle. He is still wearing nappies. Still reliant on me to meet his every need, still eating with his fingers, sucking on a dummy, being carried up and down stairs and still unable to speak a single word. He only took his first steps 18 months ago. And because of the system in the area we live in we still don’t know where the local government plan to send my special baby to school. As a parent I have researched in detail all the local provision available and even tried to visit schools to see what services are available. Frustratingly the council are not allowing me to visit my first choice school until they have formally notified me of their decision. I still don’t know when this will be. Thinking of my baby starting school makes me cry. Will they know how to communicate with him in a way he can understand? Will they know he would happily carry on playing in a dirty nappy for hours trapped in his own world? will they have any idea why he is flapping? Will they let him take his socks and shoes off like he loves to do at home? Will they know what his all time favourite things are to calm him down (water and feathers)? Will they care for him like I do, hold him when he cries and tell him how special he is? It may be 5 months away but I still shed a few tears thinking of all this.

Secondly there have been tears after some difficult phone calls. Calls from people who have never met my precious boy but who feel they can tell me that his needs are not ‘severe and complex’. I cried tears of sadness after that call. Then a call from a friend telling me a good friend of mine had just passed away. More tears. And the following day calls from a charity willing to help me fight to get my son into the right school to meet his needs irrespective of what the council recommend.Tears of relief and gratitude.

Then I shed more tears after a routine eye appointment for Isaac uncovered news that due to his neurofibromatosis type 1 and other scarring on his right eye it is likely he has very little vision in his right eye and that over the last 8 weeks there has been a real deterioration in his vision in this eye. My poor boy was unable to communicate any of this too me. And to discover all this he had to endue 24 hours of blurred vision and possible headaches due to having to have eye drops put in both eyes. Oh my baby… sometimes I just cry for you and everything you are having to go through.

Tonight he fell and really bumped his head at a children’s club. It was a real sore one and tomorrow he will have quite a mark on his forehead. I held my baby boy and shed tears with him while everyone continued playing around us. I wish I could wrap him up and shelter him from life. I wish I could just sit and hold him in my arms sometimes and pretend the world is just passing us by. I know he will survive this bump and I also know there will be so many more. If his vision is so poor and his co-ordinations and motor planning so affected by his autism and developmental delay there is no doubt there will be many more bumps to come. Please Lord protect this baby of mine from any internal damage I can not see.

And now comes the hardest part to blog about. The hardest part to share with a world of people I hardly know. The part this week that has brought more tears than any of those other challenges we have faced joined together in the last 7 days. The reports and evidence that my baby boy has stated to self harm. He has started to bite his wrists until they bleed and does not seem to feel the pain. Oh Jesus….help me as I drown in my tears. Carry me through this valley. I want to talk to my baby, let him open his heart to me, hear his cries, share his tears. Instead he chews on a metal teaspoon watching peppa pig, and so locked in his own world I can only imagine the pain and frustration that could cause my 4 year old baby to self harm. Is it excitement, frustration, anger, stress? Is it sensory related or a sign you are hungry or thirsty? Oh baby…I wish you could tell me. I want to help you.

So in all this I cry and I pray. And I believe that tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start. And God will carry us through all this. I still have a strong faith…it’s just sometimes I cry.

“you keep track of all my sorrows, you have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. My enemies will retreat when I call to you for help. This I know: God is on my side.” Ps 56:8-9 NLT

photo credit: via photopin cc

10 thoughts on “Sometimes I cry.

  1. this is so powerful and sad and beautiful and you are very brave for telling it exactly as it is. i am so happy to read that your son is doing better. you are the person these children were meant to be with, to help them on their journey through this world. how lucky for all of you. wonderful – best, beth

  2. You are a really strong and powerful mom 😀
    I feel sure that both you and your wonderful boys are so good for each other.
    It is very tough what you are going through.

  3. I cried with you on reading this !

    Everything seems so difficult right now but I hope, in time, things will improve for you and your son and those tears of sadness, frustration, and hurt will be replaced by shared tears of happiness

  4. Thank you for sharing .. We think we have had a hard day sometimes, I will remember you and your beautiful son … You are a wonderful mom x

  5. Thank you all. Yes he is now very settled in a school for children with severe and complex needs. We still have days where his needs are very prominent and high but things are much better. Isaac’s twin sister will start school soon (she was held back a year) and she copes so well with it all. Thank you all for reading a little snippet of my story x

  6. What beautiful love. My heart broke. Broke! Thinking of not being able to communicate with your child. To hear what/why/how he is feeling. That hurt my heart. I’m glad to read that things are better. I hope he loves his school. And I hope so much for him to be able to one day tell you in some way, what/why/how he is feeling. God bless you all.

  7. Chatter, it is so hard when your child is non verbal, especially when they live with a tumour condition that can cause so much pain. I have no idea what goes on at his school, how he is feeling, what he wants to eat or drink or if he wants to go out somewhere. It is like having a new born in a 5 year old body. I have to learn to trust his school far more than any other parent and connect with my child in a deep way to understand him. But I have learnt so much from this boy and I believe the world can learn so much from him too. Thank you all for such lovely feedback x

  8. What an amazing post. Your strength blows me away. How lucky your little boy is to have you and how well he chose you to be his mother.

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