I lost myself in motherhood!

I’m pregnant!
Oh the elation.
It was an easy decision for me,
to give up my career,
and stay at home.
Eventually becoming a mum to four.

That was over twenty years ago.

Before I had children,
I knew who I was.
A confident individual,
who knew what they wanted,
and had no conscience about,
reaching out and grabbing it.

I saw no limits.

Then I had children.
I gave up my place in the workplace,
and embraced motherhood 100%.
I lived and breathed my children,
but was careful to maintain a social life,
outside of my kids.

There was just one issue,
and to this day it remains.

Losing my independence.

I became a stay at home mother,small__3771659600
with no income of my own.

You would think after all these years,
I would have learned to live with this.
But I have not.
It still grates on me.
I do not like to be “kept”.
It grates on my husband,
that I feel this way!

I have three daughters.
The eldest is in university.
I often ask myself,
“is this what I would wish for them,
to get degrees and stay at home?”.

Now that you know my sensitivity on this matter,
can you imagine my thoughts,
when in a fit of anger,
one of my children said about my car,
(as opposed to the one my husband drives)
“it is not your car, its dad’s, he paid for it,
at least when I grow up I will not be dependent on my husband”.

I wilted.
My achilles heel had been well and truly identified.
No argument could I produce,
as she had said aloud what I had felt guilty about,
for twenty one years!

Now there is no use saying,
you’re doing a great job as a mum,
and its the hardest job in the world,
etc, etc, etc.
I know all that.
I know it was my choice,
and I would do the same again in a heartbeat.

My children are getting older,
and I have returned to the workplace,
doing a job part time,
which I really enjoy.
Yet to really get back to work,
I would be competing with younger women.
Women who have made careers for themselves,
women who have not been on the missing list,small__381507083
for the past twenty years.

For I have been missing,
lost in motherhood.
And after so many years at home,
being a wife and mother,
I struggle to know who I am.

Not Tric, the mother of,
Not Tric, the wife of,
But Tric!
Who the hell is she?

photo credit: cobalt123 via photopin cc
photo credit: kiki follettosa via photopin cc</a

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22 thoughts on “I lost myself in motherhood!

  1. Can identify with this in reverse! Having had a career until illness struck my wonderful husband 2.5 years ago. Suddenly at 51 I became a carer and then at 52 a cancer patient. Still adjusting to being me who happens to be a wife a mother a carer and cancer fighter. So Tric we are both a lot of things but first and foremost you are you and I am me 🙂

    1. Actually I did think of you and all your changes when I was writing this post. But you know that sometimes these things just get to you, well me anyway. Tomorrow I’ll be bolshy again!

    1. Thank you. I can’t imagine any mother who stays at home who doesn’t feel this at some stage. We know mums are great blah blah,but I do envy the career of others sometimes.

    1. Oh enjoy the journey. There are so many great days ahead. As I say I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Nothing is perfect. I’ve also written happier posts about parenting!!

  2. I think I would have loved to be a kept woman. I know what you mean and I understand what you are saying about your independence, but don’t sell yourself short. You are still you and you are awesome

    1. Thank you so much. Appreciate the comment. I do know I am very very lucky. I read blogs from single hardworking mothers every day, who never had the choice I had, and mothers in relationships. I can only write from my perspective and as you say I was lucky to be “kept”.
      Thanks for giving me a big dose of reality! I will go away and ponder, I might even say” thank you” to my husband!

  3. I feel this way so many times also. I went to school for a LONG time-got pregnant (got very ill during pregnancy) and never went to work (well, never full time. I have always worked part time but I am definitely a mom and not a career). I think about if I didn’t get ill with my pregnancy. Would I have put my kids in daycare full time and continued my career? I think that I would have and I think about how I would not know my kids. So as I do feel that I have lost my identlty, I know that a good bit of me (and I am sure it is the same for you..smile) is in my kiddos.

    1. Maybe I will find myself over the next few years now I have more freedom. I would never regret what I did but it was costly! I have had some great days though, as I am sure have you.

  4. Last year was my opportunity to figure out what life without kids looked like (after 33 years). It was a little freaky at first. Now I’m loving it.

    Can’t wait to “watch” you blossom!

    1. Your right. I am definitely in transition at the moment. I still have one young one but it’s so much less actual physical work, but with older “young ones” its a bit more mental work.. I do look forward to my future.though. Thank you.

  5. How did I only hear today you were blogging I’m loving what I’m reading so far this one hit home with me now being a newly ” kept woman ” I thought it would be what dreams were made off ….I was wrong I’m way to independent for that ! I started a fb book page recently mind,madness, miles and mum me time as an outlet ! Will look forward to more from you x

    1. Lovely to see you here Laura! Funny how the world keeps turning and now you are where I once was. Looking back now I’d not change staying at home but it was not an easy time.
      Thankfully Laura it doesn’t last forever.
      As for my blog, well it was fairly secret for a long time although I think this year most people seem to know about it which I find a little unsettling, but after four years I’m a little addicted to it so I wont be stopping anytime soon.
      Can you send me a link to your FB page? I liked your book one and sometimes quietly stalk you on it!
      Lovely to ‘see’ you here. xx

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