Oh the elation.
It was an easy decision for me,
to give up my career,
and stay at home.
Eventually becoming a mum to four.
That was over twenty years ago.
Before I had children,
I knew who I was.
A confident individual,
who knew what they wanted,
and had no conscience about,
reaching out and grabbing it.
I saw no limits.
Then I had children.
I gave up my place in the workplace,
and embraced motherhood 100%.
I lived and breathed my children,
but was careful to maintain a social life,
outside of my kids.
There was just one issue,
and to this day it remains.
Losing my independence.
You would think after all these years,
I would have learned to live with this.
But I have not.
It still grates on me.
I do not like to be “kept”.
It grates on my husband,
that I feel this way!
I have three daughters.
The eldest is in university.
I often ask myself,
“is this what I would wish for them,
to get degrees and stay at home?”.
Now that you know my sensitivity on this matter,
can you imagine my thoughts,
when in a fit of anger,
one of my children said about my car,
(as opposed to the one my husband drives)
“it is not your car, its dad’s, he paid for it,
at least when I grow up I will not be dependent on my husband”.
My achilles heel had been well and truly identified.
No argument could I produce,
as she had said aloud what I had felt guilty about,
for twenty one years!
Now there is no use saying,
you’re doing a great job as a mum,
and its the hardest job in the world,
etc, etc, etc.
I know all that.
I know it was my choice,
and I would do the same again in a heartbeat.
My children are getting older,
and I have returned to the workplace,
doing a job part time,
which I really enjoy.
Yet to really get back to work,
I would be competing with younger women.
Women who have made careers for themselves,
women who have not been on the missing list,
for the past twenty years.
For I have been missing,
lost in motherhood.
And after so many years at home,
being a wife and mother,
I struggle to know who I am.
Not Tric, the mother of,
Not Tric, the wife of,
Who the hell is she?