I’m tired. I think each day that tomorrow wont be so mad and busy, but then tomorrow comes and it’s just as manic as today. As I settle for the night there is as much on my ‘nope I didn’t get around to that again today’ list as there is my ‘yes’ list. Yesterday was a less than satisfactory day and I did something in error which I am still not ready to laugh about. The reason I did it was simple, too much rushing around chasing my tail.
So today I decided enough is enough. All this rushing is ridiculous and the self induced deadlines unnecessary. Today I took time out. I did what was essential and a little of what was on my ‘to do’ list. Part of my ‘cop yourself on’ plan was to take the time to enjoy the moments in which I can relax. So as I sat savoring one of my many cups of tea, instead of opening my laptop and answering the ridiculous number of emails waiting for me, I put my laptop and phone aside, sat on the couch, the sun slowly baking me, and forced myself to relax.
I looked around my empty, quiet kitchen and remembered tremendous noise from past years. How I dreamed of having time alone like this? My gaze passed to the collages on the wall. So many photos of the children through the years; smiling faces bringing back a flood of great memories. Then, as happens regularly, my gaze fell on one of Daniels photos. He smiles out at me, a young boy only months away from a devastating diagnosis.
It was then it hit me.
This running and racing is new to me. Over the past few years I’ve not been rushing around, pushing myself to reach deadlines, worrying about numbers. I’ve not been watching the clock and I’ve definitely not been waking at night with a million small concerns racing through my mind. So what has changed? Why am I ‘stressed’?
The answer was simple. I have begun to forget.
While Daniel was sick I had no worries, no every day run of the mill worries anyway. Wondering if your friends’ child is going to live or die changes everything. For the eleven months of Danny’s treatment I didn’t have a real care in the world, because nothing really mattered. Health was everything. After we lost Daniel silly everyday worries were wiped off the radar.
Recently I’ve begun to forget this. I’ve allowed myself to be sucked back into every day life, forgetting that each day is precious and nothing is guaranteed. It’s okay to stress slightly but the scales had tipped and I was no longer appreciating all that I have, nor was I taking enough time to enjoy it.
So tonight when I wake and the many small items from my ‘still have to do’ list begin to roar at me I will take a moment to remember and as I do I will be thankful that I have so many small worries.