Before.

In my house, in my kitchen, on the dresser, there is a photograph. It is a photo given to me, of a group of friends and I, all dressed up, on a night away, a few short years ago.

I look at that photo and I see…. Before.small__3136130670

Before Daniel got sick. Before that awful day when we heard he had leukemia. Before he had chemo. Before we knew a child could suffer so much pain. Before we knew all about bone marrow and blood donations, platelet counts, neutrophil counts and the side effects of chemotherapy.

Before he died.

As I look at that photo I remember a time when my friend, who is laughing happily, still had four children to hug and to hold. I look at it and remember how great life was, and what fun we all had. I look at our happy faces and think, “we had no idea what horror lay ahead”.

I keep that photo in my kitchen for various reasons. photo credit: searching4jphotography via photopin cc

It reminds me of a time, before everything changed. As we posed for that picture, Daniel was living, enjoying life as only Danny could. As I look away, my eyes fall on another photo. It is a beautiful picture of young Daniel, swimming in the sea, head and shoulders above water, eyes shining, wearing a massive smile. Full of life.

Looking at those photos some days fills me with a sense of loss, and a incredible feeling of sadness for my friend. Yet I also look at that picture and it reminds me, what it is to live this life. Life is fragile. Today I have my husband and family around me. We are a complete photograph. Who knows what lies ahead, but tonight, as I type this, I know we are all together, and I take the time to appreciate, that for now life for us is good.

I hope, with all my heart, that our photo will remain complete for many, many years to come. Because who knows when it might be, that I will look at a family photo and think.. that was before.

So despite missing young Daniel, and feeling such sadness for my friend, the loss of Danny has taught me, not to worry about what lies ahead, but to enjoy every moment of every day.

No matter how bad the day, I am lucky. Very very lucky.

photo credit: .Martin. via photopin cc

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16 thoughts on “Before.

  1. Standing in our pictures…. Tric this is amazing. Just a few days ago I was talking about a picture of ‘before’ to a friend. And you capture the importance so beautifully.

    1. Thanks Coleen. Your family have had a very hard year, so it is no wonder you can relate to this.
      Mind you the photos we take today are our “before” photos of the future so we should appreciate them.

      1. Writing this blog really helps me focus on today. Thought I write about yesterdays as well, when I sit to write I often review my day and my moment I’m in to find my chatter worthy moments. It’s a great tool to stay focused. 🙂

  2. When I heard the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis and a brain aneurysm, my heart dropped. But this situation has brought me to a new place, a place where I camp overnight at the zoo, and complete in National Veterans Wheelchair Games for one week every year,and bring home the medals. I am living for today, not worrying what the future will bring, because MS also brought me to God.

  3. Yes I hv experience & been in all that pain sadness hurt devestation & trama !! I lost my jewl my pressious ( son ) 20 half yrs to suicide . A single parent . Life never d same again . It’s one of the greatest losses. — Words will never describe it enough . That empty space in life untouchable left in great dept of many sadnessess day in & day out — reminders in life on a daily base reflect keep us aware of these beauthfull people – Our son – our daughter – never goes away n our hearts . We still continue to love them dearly in our minds — Special love to my jewl. Marcus o Leary – Mam — lol lol lol xxxx

    1. I am so very sorry to hear of your sad loss. I cannot begin to imagine the trauma and life long sadness associated with a sudden death. To continue to live a life without your son must be so very hard.
      My thoughts are with you, and tomorrow at young Daniels one year anniversary I will send a thought to you and ‘your jewel Marcus’.

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