Men it’s time to stop reading!
My secret ladies is dishonesty.
Well perhaps that is a little blunt, but for myself who has been married over twenty years, dishonesty works perfectly. In fact now that I think of it most days begin and end with a lie. Let me explain.
As my husband is an even earlier riser than my early rising self, we rarely
lie speak to each other until we meet in the kitchen. Most mornings I burn the toast, it’s just something I do. As the smell of burned toast fills the kitchen I curse, open the window, throw out the toast and flap a newspaper around. Why? So I might not have to listen to the predictable opening sentence I hear most mornings, “Did you burn the toast?“.
WTF. Most mornings this happens, and most mornings, he who has hung around for twenty years, asks the same question. In my head I think “What the feck do you think?”, but in the interest of a happy marriage I say, “No”. He smiles and the morning routine begins.
As the day goes on the lies continue.
I will have just sat down, hot cuppa in my hand and a few biscuits on a plate. (If you’re going to take a break you might as well take a proper one, so I may be about to enjoy this snack while watching television or checking what’s happening online.) The phone rings. I reluctantly put down my cuppa, and rush to answer it. Guess who just knew when to ring me? Yes Mr over twenty years together!
“Hi”, I say, slightly out of breath. “Hi darling” he answers, ” you’re out to breath, did you run to the phone?”. And here we go again, “No I was upstairs cleaning the bathroom and had to run down to answer it”. Now this is not one of my most accomplished lies as now I will have to do something to the bathroom. However never fear it’s not too difficult to make it look “clean”. The trick is, clean towels, folded of course, and the real tell tale sign, loo paper almost full on the loo holder.
There are many other lies I have perfected over our twenty plus years. Take for example the purchase of new clothes. As he asks, “Is that top new?”, I say “This is ancient”, and just to really add to that I may add, “I bought it about two years ago when were were going on holidays, remember?”. Of course he has to say he does and as a result, no questions asked! If for any reason he does know it’s new I will always say that it was bought in Penneys or else it was on sale.
As for his clothing, it is not always of a standard I approve of. Old jeans, shirts or jumpers which have all seen too many days are worn around the clock. Whatever items he took off yesterday are inevitably on top of other clothing. So of course they are first in line to wear again the next day. Rather than have a row about these items, I have found a number of ingenious ways of dealing with this problem. Listen up girls. Fellas if you’re still reading this it’s time to do something else.
The simplest trick is to take that manky old shirt and put it in the washbasket. However be extra careful with it. Ensure it is burried at the very bottom. Place it below those items which have been in the basket so long they are actually beginning to harden. When he asks about it’s welfare you can tell him honestly “it’s in the wash”.
Another handy method of losing clothes is the recycling bin. Out of sight, out of mind.
Lastly my favourite method is to cut the tiniest hole in it. Maybe in the sleeve or near a button. In no time at all he will put it on and horror of horror it will tear. You can convince him it was because it was worn from age and he will be able to say a proper goodbye to a much loved (unstylish, awful) item of clothing.
At last the day is drawing to a close and the children are in bed. I sit happily chatting. Oh, when I say chatting I don’t mean with Mr been with forever. No, I mean chatting online to all my “friends”. As he pops in I type away and only ever admit to blogging. Finally it’s time for bed. “Goodnight” he says. I say, “I’ll be up in five minutes”, which really means I’ll get carried away online and when I do come up you will probably have fallen asleep.
Mr been with me forever, goes to bed. And so ends another day of lies.
However it is also the end of another day which I was lucky enough to spend with my best friend, my closest companion, my soulmate. For over twenty years we’ve walked together in sunshine and rain. We’ve held hands during the early days of first love and during very dark days of grief and terrible sadness. We’ve supported each other when needed, and laughed together more times than I could ever have imagined. We’ve watched each others body age and hair change colour, and yes we have also lied to each other each and every day.
And I hope we get to lie to each for many more years to come.