A series of Letters. Letter 3.

This is a very powerful letter from an incredible lady.
It is a trigger post, so I would like to alert you to that before you read it.
Initially this writer chose anonymity but she has since changed her mind.
After you read it I am sure you will agree, this lady is extraordinary.
She has survived so much, but more than that she has gone on to live.
Her name is Charlene and she blogs at mrscharmcd.

Hey you, yes you, the one I never want to think about again. You were supposed to be my protector. You were supposed to be the role model that taught me what to look for in a spouse. You had a chance to show me what a knight in shining armor was like. You had a chance to create a wonderful life, one that didn’t have ugly memories. You had three little girls that adored you. What made you decide that you could take our innocence like you did?

Why was what you did to us not enough? How could you give us to others to do the same to us too? Did you not care that every time something happened was just one more notch on the wall of distrust? Do you know how long it took me to be able to actually trust someone enough to not use me for my body? Did you even care that you taught me that the only way to know someone loved me was to give my body too them?

I remember calling you Daddy; I couldn’t wait for you to come home, I loved you. You created a trust triangle filled with love. But you slyly eroded that, it didn’t take you long before you took advantage of a child’s eagerness to please. If you want to do this, than you have to do that. If you want to go out to play then you need to sit here and take a nap in my lap first. “Don’t move the blanket, don’t let them see that your panties are off and my zipper is down. Just sit here quietly and stop that crying.” You said as I sat there crying and watching my friend not understand why I couldn’t go play. This went on for years, different scenarios but always the same outcome. You took our childhoods away. You took our innocence away.

In conversations with friends, talking about our first experiences what was I supposed to say? I was never innocent you took that from me when I was 6. But I tried to teach you a lesson when I was 13 and my cycle started. If no one would believe me when I told them what was going on, they sure would if I turned up pregnant, living breathing proof in the presence of a baby. But you figured it out before that could happen. However, you forgot there was another you were taking advantage of; you took care of that with my sister didn’t you? You are despicable; you robbed her too, of her innocence. You robbed that little baby too. She doesn’t have a father that she can be proud of; she didn’t get that knight in shining armor either.

Two good men are dead because of you. One knew what you were doing to us and I don’t know if you offered us to him or not, but he never touched us (at least he never touched me). Instead I would wake up at night with him in our room smoking a cigarette and just waiting or watching. Looking back I think he was doing his best to guard us. When he was in there you never came in. I think he smoked those cigarettes so you would see the red glow and know he was there. He committed suicide. You made him do that.

The other died protecting us too. That night you broke in, thinking you could just take what you wanted; kidnap my sister and the baby. You didn’t just scare us, or traumatize us; you caused a good family to lose a good father. He died that night, I don’t think he really truly understood the evil that you were. The stress of trying to protect us caused a heart attack that he would not have ever had if you were never in our lives.

You have no place in our lives now, you are dead and gone. You are the dirt I walk on. When I heard you were dead I celebrated. I knew that no other little girl that walked this earth and came in contact with you would ever be hurt. The evil that was you is gone, the hypocrisy and pretending that you did were all for nothing. I know where you are now, and you are not resting in peace.

It has been over 30 years now and I still have flashbacks and remember things that no little girl should ever have to remember. For all the destruction you did to my childhood, I never let you have that influence on my adulthood. Despite the way my life could have gone, I was determined that you were not going to ruin it. I made something of myself, I have a great marriage, I have fantastic children. I found my Knight in Shining Armor and he treats me like an angel. I found in him everything that you weren’t. I feel sorry for you, you had so much that you could have been blessed with and you threw it all away, for some temporary gratification.

I am no longer your teddy bear

31 thoughts on “A series of Letters. Letter 3.

  1. I ‘liked’ this because of the courage of the writer. The determination and fortitude that child had to survive, thrive, and be the person SHE wanted to be. One of my on-going mantras is that “I am not what someone did to me”. And Charlene seems to be everything SHE wants to be. Well done Charlene.

  2. Charlene, you are a very brave woman. It is terrible, when adult terrorise kids life like your dad did. Kids need to be allowed to be kids and not small adults. I feel with you, more than you can ever imagine.

        1. True, but I always like to place the blame on the one that deserves it. My dad was told by this man that if he ever came around that he would kill him. So he never knew what was going on until we were teenagers. My dad tried his hardest to get us out of that situation when he found out, but we fought him just as hard, after all by that time he was a complete stranger to us too. In our thoughts it was better the evil we knew as to the stranger we didn’t.

  3. this was intense…its hard to fathom that your own father can be a so…
    love her happy ending, that she found her happy, her healing within her own children and husband!

  4. Charlene, bless you for your incomprehensible courage. Your willingness to share this is a testimony to the fact that one can move forward in spite of trauma. Those memories will not end for you, but your experience has ensured that your children will be safe, and that you have eyes to see the things that others cannot. It is so profoundly elevating to know that you have come to this place – to use your name and say who you are – mother, wife and woman with strength, determination and love. Thank you.

  5. I love the line “you are the dirt I walk on”, what an amazing person you are?! I have absolute admiration for you sharing that with us. It sounds like the greatest V sign to ‘him’ is that you HAVE found your knight in shining armour and made a success of yourself despite him. Well done!

  6. The best revenge is a well-lived life. I am with her. My father never touched me but an older brother, an uncle and several of my father’s drinking buddies did. She is right – he, and they, are dirt.

  7. this is one amazingly brave and strong woman. after all she has been through she still has the courage to make her way to living a good life and to sharing her story which may help others. she is a survivor on the highest order and i applaud her courage and will to go on. beth

  8. Thank you all for the comments on my letter. I started answering individually, but realized that I was basically repeating myself. I guess I should have been clearer in my letter, the person it was written too was my step-father. He came into my life when I was 4 so he basically raised me. I have found healing, but there are times that trigger memories. Like I said, thank you.

  9. Although I am almost speechless after reading this, I just want to tell you how proud I am of you for overcoming these terrible circumstances. It couldn’t have been easy (for lack of better words) and I’m sure it’s still not. What a horrific way to grow up and I am so sorry. No one should ever have to go through anything like that.

    1. Thank you, it has taken a long time, but I am finally getting comfortable talking about my childhood and am planning on giving my testimony in a program I am involved in. I just need to get my courage up to do it.

  10. It was strange to check like on this post. Even as I read it I flashed back to my childhood. It wasn’t my father but my grandfather and my girl scout leader ( why would they have a single man be a scout leader?). The nightmares got better, I don’t wake up screaming and standing on the bed anymore.

    You are so brave!!!!

    1. I have the same feeling about the like button. It is hard to say I “like” a post when it is about something very personal. They should have other buttons like “I Agree” , “I Love It”, “I’m Sorry”, “I Support You”. I have come to think of the “Like” button as just a way to say “I was here, I read your post, and I just wanted to let you know that I came for a visit.” I am so sorry about the nightmares, I am so glad they got better. You are very brave too. Thank you for your comment.

    1. Thank you Miriam, see you in Abigail Ester, I have been spending this day of healing with my leg propped up on a heating pad in my chair, reading the books that I am behind in.

      1. Dear Heavenly Father, You are the source of our strength, you also help our minds and bodies to rest. Grant Your peace, rest and healing to my friend Charlene, in body, mind, and renewed spirit. Help Charlene to trust totally in You and Your Holy Word. Give Charlene a peaceful, sweet night’s rest. Help Charlene feel Your protective arms. In Jesus’ precious name, amen

  11. I am so sorry this happened to you. I have to believe that he is burning in Hell right now. How incredibly courageous that you held strong to your soul and became the woman God intended you to be. May your life be full of peace and love.

    1. Thank you Grey, every day is a work in progress. I try everyday to become a better person than I was the day before. There are times when I fall way short of the mark and all I can do is get up the next day and try again. I wish the same for your life, may it be full of peace, love and blessings.

Comments are always welcome.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s