Tonight if I could…

 

Tonight if I could I’d like to write a private post.
A post to me, by me.
A post where I could vent, worry, cry, moan and laugh.
A post I would have written if I knew no one would read.

Knowing others are reading,
has in some ways removed the free flow of my writing.
Many comment quite regularly,
that my writing is so honest.

Is it?

Now that I know you are reading,photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/olivander/58499153/">Olivander</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>
I am more measured in the language I use.
I am more careful of the topics I choose,
I am wary that I may be misunderstood.

Is it honest to half say something?
Or even not to speak of it at all?
Am I myself when I write,
or the person behind “my thoughts on a page”.

I have written on so many topics,
the name of my blog giving me free reign.
However am I changing as a blogger,
or do I still enjoy freedom of speech?

Writing is a strange pastime.
We are solitary as we write
but once published we want company,
and care what others think.

So tonight even as I write about not writing,
I care what you think.
I apologise for not writing what you might enjoy reading,
and still in the back of my mind is the post I wish I was writing.

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39 thoughts on “Tonight if I could…

  1. Love this one. Very much so. I can relate entirely. If I truly wrote as honestly as my thoughts regardless of the audience, I’m sure I would hurt a few souls in the process unintentionally.

    1. Thanks. I love writing and I love my blog, but I do wonder if I had a private blog, how different would my writing be. I think there are quite a few of us out there.

  2. Writing freely…..I still do it on some subjects. I do write for an audience in others. And if I need to write and am not sure if I want others to see it, or not sure if I’m ready to be that open about a subject…I mark it private. Or I write it in my notebook. It is a struggle sometimes to know what to say….freely.

    1. I love the idea of marking it private, I never thought of that, Often it is as I sit to write that I so want to write something else. I am definitely going to do that. Thanks Colleen. You have freed my mind!

  3. So this is why I write poems! I write what i want and others can read however they want to interpret it. πŸ™‚ I started this when my family was reading my blog and I was trying to figure out how to tell my story. Now it is a fun way to communicate with parts of myself.. and offer a little hope. You know, I have learned much about myself here..much more than from a therapist! Haha! πŸ™‚

    1. Writing is such good therapy. It takes us places we ignore in every day life. I’m glad your blog is such a positive part of your life.

  4. i can understand what you’re saying, and i’ve wondered about this myself at times. as a reader, i enjoy what you do post, and take it as it is. i know there is always more that could be said, but also know that there are some things that we like to hold within our own hearts )

  5. Blogging can be a two-edged sword. I’ve found it constraining sometimes as friends have followed my blog. It’s gotten to the point that I actually started another one and told no one about it so that I could have that freedom back. I don’t post much on it, but it’s nice to not have to filter what I want to write from time to time.

  6. I can relate. Whether you are guarding your words or not every post I read has touched me in some way. Your words are refreshing and I so enjoy reading your posts. Thank you for sharing your space with the world.

  7. Writing, painting, conversing… many of us take care not to intentionally offend. The intentional offenders are a story for another day πŸ˜‰
    I understand what you’ve written and I believe we are all guilty of the same, but it’s not because we’re being untruthful, it’s because we’re human and care what others think. But more importantly, we care.
    I often think back to when VCRs first hit the scene and everyone thought the new fangled boxes would be the death knell for the movie houses. Movie houses – theatres remain, because people need people.
    You began a web log maybe without any deep thought to how many folks might eventually read so you felt your writing was more spontaneous and pure. Now perhaps you have that minute where you think – will I get a backlash from this or will I offend…
    You know the world is full of all kinds of people and many of us are so different from one another. It’s wonderful and a little frightening at the same time. We don’t always take the time to think through what others might have experienced in their lives when we’re planning our ‘brilliant’ responses. As we read, we deliver opinions through our own filters. We judge based on our own history. Expressing yourself and putting it out there is not easy. But at the end of the day it’s you and your heart not us and our opinions. So write for yourself, don’t worry about us. πŸ™‚
    AnnMarie
    Enjoy the rest of the week and write ’til your heart sings πŸ™‚

    1. I think you summed it up very well especially the last line, write ’til your heart sings. Sometimes, when I write something that is not my first choice, my heart does not sing. Well put.

      1. In my little studio in the corner – where my desk and computer are – the wall, from a distance appears painted with polka-dots. It’s covered in post-its with sayings that keep my spirits up and my optimism optimistic. One of my favorite quotes: “I don’t think writers should write about answers, I think we should write about questions.” -Paul Higgins

  8. To be reminded that others struggle as much as we do with thoughts and rethoughts of the things our souls struggle to share in words brings comfort. Thank you

  9. A family member has ‘found’ me out, so I now must word my thoughts so as to be a little more reserved. It is different when your blogging buddies wouldn’t know you if they passed you on the street and since I tend to write very personal things I will now have to tone it down some.

    1. That is difficult, especially now when you so need to write what you feel. Maybe do as coleen suggests, write what you wish but mark it private at times.

  10. You have made such a good point here. I believe that many of us limit what we say and which topics we touch on. Our personal life is a big one. I highly doubt that there are many people out there who discuss the more personal side of their personal lives. Then when we add our inner most feelings to the mix, we are limited even more. There is a lot more that I would write about, if I knew that no one would read it.

  11. Tric, I think you echo the views of practically all ‘personal’ bloggers. Of course, we can’t write as honestly when we have ‘the world’ as an audience as we would in a diary that nobody could ever see (and that’s even a dicey proposition as diaries have a habit of being found!)

    For me, the answer is to have a personal journal as well as my blog. It’s not a perfect answer but really this idea of ‘perfection’ is nothing more than an illusion, or so I believe the older I get!

    1. Yes I read once somewhere that personal bloggers are a strange genre. Why do they bother. And you know what,,, I ask myself the same question.

  12. I hear you. I would love to write a really honest blog, but I think I’d lose a few friends and possibly flex my relationships. It would be great to be really honest, but we just can’t. We need to save face and be respectful of everyone, just in case they stumble upon our blogs!

    1. Yes when I began it was great to allow my thoughts to flow, but that has changed and so has my writing, although to be honest I still love it, regardless.

  13. I mistakenly went into social media thinking that it would be like the old days of journaling. I WAS HONEST. I WAS CANDID. I DIDN’T CENSOR MYSELF. How naive of me to think that was possible. I not only hurt some feelings but caused a huge rift in a relationship with a son that I’m not sure will ever be the same. Now, (hindsight talking) I realize that journaling or keeping a diary is completely different from keeping a blog. Some subjects just can’t be discussed without controversy and strong opinions to surface. That being said – you have posed some very valid questions/thoughts, Tric

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