I read a lot of blogs and it is clear to see that there are many bloggers,
who wake up every day with a fog of darkness around them.
It is difficult to understand their plight when you are not standing in their shoes.
Today, I have no darkness around me. The weather reflects my mood, sunny and bright.
I wear a smile on my face, but more importantly I also smile, inside.
I was a young mother with two beautiful children.
A husband who loved me and a lovely home.
Each day I got up and lived a normal life. Others saw me smile and heard me laugh.
To them it would appear that for me life was good.
All the boxes should have been ticked.
However that smile was only skin deep. Inside I was at sea.
Many different issues needed to be dealt with. A daily battle took place internally.
Between holding on to all that was happening in the present, and dealing with the past.
A place I dared not revisit, but a place which chose despite my best efforts, to revisit me regularly. Especially at night.
As I would try to sleep, all that I worked so hard at every day to suppress would emerge.
A face I wished to forget would taunt me.
Moments I wanted to forget would flash before me,
and at times I would even hear his voice.
As friends and family would ask how my little one was sleeping,
they could never have guessed that those dark tired eyes,
were due to sleepless nights of my own making.
However I fought my way through, always believing that happiness was my right.
I wanted to feel happy, truly happy.
I wanted to laugh and feel that laugh within me. Not just the hollow sound I could hear as I laughed aloud.
I wanted to wear my smile deep in my heart, not just on my face.
And then one day I won. I can remember it clearly.
My son was eighteen months old.
I was walking down the stairs, holding him in my arms. He had woken from his afternoon nap and was still in that lovely place between sleep and awakening.
He put his arms around me, and his little head to the side, resting it on my shoulder.
I could hear him sucking on his soother, and I could smell the sleep on his hair.
I hugged him close and paused on the stairs to kiss his little head.
I caught myself smiling, and then it struck me.
A real pain, which I still struggle to describe today. It felt like I was really hurting inside.
And in that moment I realized, I was smiling inside. Really smiling.
That was eighteen years ago. Happily I have continued to smile, almost daily since that day.
Happiness is a feeling I greatly enjoy and one I seek out regularly.
There is no greater feeling than to laugh or feel happy inside.
As I look around my life, I regularly meet people, who to my mind, do not really appreciate happiness.
It is only because I clearly remember what it is to be truly unhappy, that I enjoy every happy moment I experience.
Today despite a lot of difficult and trying situations I can still say I am happy.
But more importantly I really appreciate that I am happy each and every day.