I’m so pretty!

The camera never lies. Please say that is not true.

Yesterday I plucked up the courage to add my name to a website for writers.
It has in it a category for “emerging” writers.
Well that’s me. I’m emerging. Or in other words still dreaming.

As part of this site I must upload a photo.
Well readers the camera is not my friend.
I look in the mirror and I think, “Okay, no oil painting”, as my mom would say,
but not scary enough to frighten children.
However when a photo is taken, no matter what time of the day,photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/meliah/604355008/">Djuliet</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>
I look like I am definitely the worse for wear.

I have had a couple of very bad experiences already.
A few months ago I decided to make a facebook page for this blog.
“upload photo” it says.
Well I trawl through the photos I have downloaded on my computer,
searching in vain for.
a. Any that feature me.
b. Any that don’t make me look psychotic.

The problem with looking too long at such photos,
is that your standard drops.
So I picked a photo I thought was okay.
Went through the process of uploading it and hey presto, finished.

I then went to view it and OH MY GOD what a sight.
Somehow I had managed to upload a close up of just my face.
It was the perfect photo for halloween.

Since then I have steered away from photos.
However I really wanted to join this site and so there was nothing for it but “Cheese”.

I had what I thought was a great idea.
I’d take a selfie. No one would have to see it,
and in my very pass remarkable family that would mean no comments.

Well dear Jesus, I can tell you all now, selfies are a nightmare.
I tried everything, but I looked bonkers in all of them.

So it was time to ask the kids to take the photo.
This request alone greatly amused them, as I never participate in photos.
Firstly my son tried his best.
“Sit down”… Click…. “Oh God no mom”.
“Stand up”… Click… “No mom that’s worse”.photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/lionelrieder/10839902124/">Lionel Rieder</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

We tried everything but a publishable photo was impossible.

Looking at the photos I discovered I have a very droopy eye.
So droopy in some of the photos, that I thought we should ring for a doctor,
as I looked very like the person with the droopy face who features in the stroke commercial.
We also discovered that I smile too much, but without the smile I am very scary.

Eventually my son said he was happy with a photo.
When we looked at it, I was a barely visible spot in the distance.
Not exactly the perfect online photo.

My daughter was next to act chief photographer.
We changed room, as if that would make me look better,
and she informed me to take off my jumper.
According to her it made me look like a nun!
We began another series of photos.

It was slow progress as she had to keep pausing to wipe tears from her eyes.
With each one taken I roared in pain, “oh delete that immediately”.

I was asked to turn this way and that, to stand up and sit down.
To look up, not smile and then in desperation I was actually told,
to not look at the camera!
I was demented.

Then she began commenting on me.
Not real descriptions, she just kept mentioning parts of my body.
“Oh mom, your arms”, “oh dear, your face”, “your teeth mom”,
and always “that mad eye”.

Eventually I was about to give up.photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ksawyer/2075159262/">K. Sawyer Photography</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>
Any hope of ever having a writing career scuppered, because I was not photogenic.
Then out of the blue she says “Oh I think this one is not too bad”.

Now maybe it was the lowering of our standards or desperation,
but when I saw it I had to agree with her.
So it’s done. A real live photo of me has been downloaded.

As I look at it today I have but one wish,
I wish it looked just a little less like me.

Now off to upload it and pretend to be an emerging writer.

photo credit: Djuliet via photopin cc
photo credit: Lionel Rieder via photopin cc
photo credit: K. Sawyer Photography via photopin cc

29 thoughts on “I’m so pretty!

    1. Ha ha. No that is not me, and no my picture is not making an appearance on my blog. Remember my post on “my face is the perfect face for blogging!”
      Trust me Duncan, I’d say I’d be a huge disappointment, unless I could dig out a very old photo. Me in my hayday. πŸ™‚

  1. oh I am snorting with laughter – you describe it so brilliantly. I’ve tried taking selfies exactly twice and deleted them immediately, they were beyond horrendous. I’m sure there’s some trick I should learn. I love your Facebook profile pic btw! And best of luck with the emerging writing website – good on you.

    1. Thanks a million. My kids have got huge mileage out of the photoshoot, and the bad photos have not been deleted.
      However the selfies were incredible. How the face that looks at me from the mirror could ever look like that!!
      I think Photoshop is our only hope

  2. ROTFL! Oh, I so get it. Finally hired someone to take mine. Asked her to please make it painless. Hate getting my photo taken or trying to take my own. The ones she took have to last until I die! Either that, or I wear the mask I bought in Venice! πŸ˜‰

    1. Well done you. I think Jesus himself could not work a miracle big enough to make me look presentable in a photograph! I like the idea of a mask though.

  3. My husband just laid down for a nap and here I am trying to muffle my laughter with my hands. Your explanation of taking pictures is so accurate. By the time the photo session is over, even the good parts of our bodies are now just a thing of the past. People tell me I’m photogenic, but I think they must be on something.

    1. Sadly I do not recall anyone ever saying I look photogenic! Even my little one said “you don’t look that bad in real life” whilst looking at my photos.
      Glad you enjoyed the post.

  4. So that’s not you? It certainly isn’t how I picture you, from both your writing style and your one distant image that you share… I bet if someone captures you while you’re relaxed and having fun with your family, it’d be a good photo! Hope to see more of you…

    1. No whoever this misfortune is she was having an even worse day than myself! I do have the odd good photo, but I have to say they are few and far between. I like your though.

      1. Thank you! I went to the wonderful Tucson photographer, Jade Beall, as I needed new photos for my website. She was great at making me feel comfortable, and professional lighting is a really good thing!

  5. Hahaha, quit being such a wienie! I’m sure it’s not that bad. Maybe a little bad, but not THAT bad!! I stopped caring a long time ago, so it’s all free game over here on this silly blog. lol. Good deal with the emerging writer shtuff!

    1. Yes that grainy picture of some one is me. I do smile a lot but when I do I cease to be able to see as my eyes become but two slits. πŸ™‚

      1. OH MY GOSH! I love telling the story of my first born. As a baby she was SO happy. She laughed and smiled all the time. Until she smiled so big her eyes would shut and her world turned dark and it would startle her every time!!!!!! She was so funny. To this day when she smiles it happens, and now to her oldest daughter as well! πŸ™‚

        Keep smiling Tric. I’m sure that squinting just gives you a funnier impression of the world you see. πŸ™‚

  6. Oh Girl, I feel your pain! I HATE HATE HATE getting my picture taken. I like being behind the camera, not in front of it. I’m never ever ever satisfied with any photo of me and most of them end up in the trash. Too bad we can just look at ourselves and see what others see: our light, our inner beauty. It’s the society in which we live that makes us all so self-conscious. Oh well, maybe in my next life I’ll come back thin and rich… And congrats on having the courage to join the emerging writers website. I know how scary that is too. I haven’t yet had the guts to make that kind of plunge so I’m way impressed. Maybe you’ll give me the courage. I love your blog and love your writing.

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