I HATE SMARTPHONES.
All of them?
Yes every one of them.
They are like washing machines.
Let me explain.
We go to buy a washing machine.
We have a budget.
We would like our washing machine to wash clothes.
I have been suitably brainwashed to believe that we should be sure that the machine can do an amazing job of cleaning the clothes at 35 degrees.
It should also have a good energy rating.
Colour is not on our list.
We arrive at the shop.
Immediately we forget all the above.
Within minutes we want a variable spin machine, silver and black, with at least 5 temperature settings and 10 programmes.
We are particularly impressed with a programme just for trainers, or duvets (We have not noticed that duvets wouldn’t even fit in it!)
In no time at all we have purchased, a way over budget machine, with a million settings.
One week later the machine is functioning fantastically.
We do every wash at 35 degrees and never change the programme!
When I go for a phone I want one that can make and recieve calls and texts, is not pink and has a camera.
No one in any phone shop agrees I should buy such a phone.
I am strong. I know what I want and I get it.
It cost me €29 euro!
My husband is not so lucky.
He is eventually sold a super smart phone that has so many built in features that it may be able to take over my function in our house!
However my husband is not a “techy”
He has been dragged kicking and screaming into the modern world.
This phone is a step too far.
The first day he got it he knew it was a mistake.
He said his fingers were too big!
All day we heard him as he tried to send a text,”Oh for Gods Sake!”,”Aw no how did that happen”, “This bloody phone!”.
In between all this we heard repeated conversations.
“Oh sorry about that, no I wasn’t calling you. Its just I have a new phone”
Then my son, who possesses endless patience, decided to help him.
They progressed to “speak to text”.
If we had this on you tube it would have gone viral.
He acted like the voice was really talking to him.
So he would say “Hello” each time.
Also he would not wait until the right time to speak.
The conversation would go something like this.
“What would you like to..”
“Hello? Say hi to trish” (spoken in a strong southern Irish accent)
A pause… “I’m sorry I did not understand!Please re..”
“I said say hi to trish”.
A pause…. “I’m sorry I did not understand”
“Ah for Gods sake shes useless!”.
“I’m sorry I did not understand”
We were in stitches.
Then my son explained apps to him and downloaded some he may want.
Now he decided he couldn’t find anything on his phone, as there were too many pictures on the screen.
They moved to the car. He was introduced to blue tooth.
This nearly led to the breakup of our marriage!
Every day he travels 90 min to work.
Every day he tried numerous times to call me using bluetooth.
The radio was primed and ready.
A lot of time had gone into the instruction.
The calls would begin.
I’d answer “Hello”
Radio blaring no voice to be heard.
I hang up
I hang up.
After several attempts I hear.
“Hello, Trish I have to hang up this isn’t working!” roared into the phone.
And so it continued many times.
And continued on the way home.
Then he would arrive in and declare that “the blue tooth is still broken!”
Now months later things have improved.
I do still get numerous unintentional calls and can hear him breathing.
He has learned how to make and receive calls and texts and use the camera.
Just what I do on my phone!
In defence of my husband, I’m sure he’s not alone!
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/opensourceway/4749432145/”>opensourceway</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/”>cc</a>